It’s called “Coming Out: Poetry & Short Stories” by Rachel Harmon. Right now, it is only in Kindle format. I know some of you don’t have a Kindle, but you can read it even if you don’t. You can read it on your computer. If you have a smartphone, you can download an app to read it on your phone, as well. Here is a link that can show you all the different ways you can read Kindle books.

I would be absolutely thrilled if you would read my book. If you do read it, please let me know what you think about it. I am just absolutely thrilled to have my words published for people to read. Being a writer is my dream, and this is a step in that direction. If you like my book, it would mean the world to me if you took the time to post a review on Amazon saying if you liked it and why. A few good words about it might persuade someone else to drop $2.99 on my book and give it a chance. I’m just looking for a chance.

Let me know if you read it!

Congratulations, Joy Boyer, you won a book! Contact me over email, facebook, or through the “contact me” link on the blog to let me know your address and which book you would like.

Thanks, everyone, for leaving a comment. I may do another giveaway very soon, so stay tuned!

Yesterday started out good, because I had finally lost a bit of weight. I was down two pounds. It might have actually been Thursday that I found out I had lost the weight, but I was still happy about it yesterday morning. I took the kids to school, and then took a quick shower, got me and Abby Jo dressed, and jumped in the car. I drove a couple of hours to Lebanon, TN where I met up with Amy Jo and her younger sister, Julie. Julie lives in Texas, and she had flown to Kentucky to greet Amy’s husband, Joel, when he got home from a year in Afghanistan. So, anyway, I met them in Lebanon, and we went to a few outlet stores and then went to this great little Japanese restaurant. It was fantastic. It didn’t look like much when we got there, but the food was great and the prices were really good. I had some hibachi chicken and yummy sushi. As soon as we finished eating, I had to turn around and drive home, because I had to be back in Harriman to pick the kids up from school at three. I was only with them for two hours, but those two hours did me a world of good. Hanging out with Amy always cheers me up, and this was no exception. It lifted my spirits considerably.

Yesterday evening, I loaded up the kids and went to the gym, even though I was really tired already. I had a pretty good workout, and then took the kids to Chik-fil-a. They were all hungry, and really enjoyed their food. They were also on their best behavior because I told them I would take them swimming the next day if they were really good until then. Swimming really motivates them. We stopped at the library and picked up an audio book we had on hold. We are listening to “Lemony Snickett’s Series of Unfortunate Events”, and the kids were really excited to get started on “Book the Second”. It really is a great story, and the kids are all enthralled. Every time they have to go with me to the gym, it’s a forty minute drive there and a forty minute drive home. So, the audio books really help. So far, besides the first Lemony Snickett book, we have listened to “Runaway Ralph”, “Ralph S. Mouse”, and “Holes”. We really enjoyed “Holes”.

Today, I slept in. I didn’t sleep very well last night, and having two kids in the bed with me didn’t help. Abby started off the night in bed with me, but she has a cold and, after she fell asleep, she was making all manner of noises because she couldn’t breathe well. Sometime during the night, Owen came and got in bed with us, saying he had a bad dream. I kept waking up, and struggling to get back into a good sleep. Needless to say, when they started waking up a little before eight this morning, I was not ready to get up. I banished them from my room, and stayed in bed for a long time. I laid around and talked on the phone for most of the morning, and eventually made myself some breakfast around lunchtime. The kids were all playing and doing their own things throughout the house. I had to take Kyra to basketball practice at one, and, for once, the other kids were not stressing me out. The promise of going to the pool if they were good worked wonders.

So, this evening, I loaded them up and took them to the gym to swim. Most people seem to think it is a bad idea to take four kids nine and under swimming by yourself, especially when only two of them can swim, but it’s really not bad.  They are always good, and Owen and Abby don’t wander far from the steps unless they have hold of me. There is no childcare on Saturday evenings, so I couldn’t work out like I normally would. Instead, I would give Abby to Kyra, every few minutes, and swim a couple laps. If my level of fatigue is any indication, I got a pretty good workout.  The rest of the time, I played games with the kids, and pulled Abby and Owen around the pool. Abby’s great in the pool. She doesn’t freak out over anything. Even if she goes under and gets a mouthful of water, she just spits it out and says, “I don’t want to do that anymore.” Owen, on the other hand, freaks out and screams like a crazy if you so much as suggest that you might have him do anything other than cling to you with his entire body.

After we got out of the pool, we were toweling off and I felt a hand on my shoulder. This older lady who had been swimming laps with her husband while we were in the pool was giving me a literal pat on the back, telling me I was doing a good job. She told me that usually when they come to swim laps in the pool, if there are little kids in the pool, too, they make it really difficult to swim. She said my kids were very sweet, and I was doing a great job with them. This went on for at least a full minute. It got a bit awkward for me, but I still appreciated her kind words.

Chris had come to work out after work, but, since the gym closed at eight, he only got in a run and had to leave when we did. He took us all to Outback, and we had an absolutely delicious meal. The kids all went to bed when we got home without any fussing or dilly dallying around.

Now, here I sit. Telling you guys all the details of two pretty ordinary days. With the exception of meeting up with my friends yesterday, it’s all just normal stuff. I have to take notice, though, that this is a pretty good life. I am blessed. Even when I’m struggling through emotionally dark days, my family and friends are a constant light. I am blessed, and I am thankful for ordinary happy in my days.

If you’ve read my blog for very long, this is not news to you. I’ve dealt with depression for a very, very long time. I’ve had ups and downs. I’ve been depressed to the point of being suicidal, and I’ve had times where I was mostly pretty happy and it wasn’t much of an issue. I was probably around eleven or twelve when I first started dealing with depression. I spent hours in my room, hiding out, writing page upon page of self-hatred and death wishes in my journals. I started cutting when I was very young. I developed an eating disorder. Depression has been my Achilles heel. It still is.

There have been times when I could hide how I was feeling from others pretty well, and other times when everyone I saw asked me if I was okay. I would always say “yeah..I’m okay”, but it was always a lie. I’m not sure what makes it so hard to say, “I’m not okay.” It really is difficult, though. It’s hard to be vulnerable with people. It’s hard to expose your weaknesses when you have legitimate fears that some people will just take that opportunity to go for the throat. Sometimes, it’s just the fear that if you open up the floodgates, you won’t be able to stop. Always, I’m afraid of being a burden.

After I had Abby Jo, I fell into a serious depression. I had never been that depressed before. There were a lot of days when I could barely get myself out of bed. I was miserable. I would lie in bed crying because I wanted to die and I couldn’t take my own life because of  my kids. My kids have always been my saving grace. Even at my very lowest points, I never thought my kids would be better off without me. Everyone else, maybe. But not my kids. After several months of dealing with this level of depression, I finally faced my fear and talked to my doctor about it. She comforted me, in a way, by explaining the physiological part of depression. I already knew the facts that she presented to me, but it was different hearing my doctor tell me that my personal situation wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t crazy. She explained that, after having four kids one right after the other and nursing them each for an entire year or more, my hormones were probably bottomed out. She suggested an anti-depressant, and I began taking Zoloft. It took me a long time to get to the proper dosage that would make me feel better, but eventually I got there. She told me I might not have to take it forever. My hormones could get balanced again, and I would feel better without it. I know that there was definitely a hormonal factor in my depression, because, without fail, a couple of days before my period, I would start having a really hard time. I didn’t always recognize what was happening. More than once, Amy would point out to me that things weren’t as bad as they seemed to me but I was just fixing to start. I talked to my doctor, and she had me start taking more of the antidepressant for the days preceding my period. It worked. It made a big difference.

Then I made a big mistake. I felt better. I wasn’t depressed all the time. So, I decided that I was better, and I stopped taking the medication. I had some major ups and downs while I was coming off of it, but I eventually started doing okay. Then, my life started crumbling around me, and I was just as depressed as I had ever been. I made a really big mistake when I stopped taking anti-depressants. I feel like I am going through hell right now, and it would have been much easier if I was still on Zoloft. When I stopped taking it, though, I gained weight. I guess it is because of the hormonal change, but I gained close to fifteen pounds. I didn’t change my eating habits. I just started putting on weight. I know this is pathetic, but that is why I haven’t went back to the doctor and asked her to put me back on the medication. I’m afraid of being fat.

So, all of that to say…I am very depressed. I don’t want to be, but I am. Sometimes, like I said, it gets better. Right now, though, I am in a dark place. I didn’t know what to write on my blog today, because I didn’t feel like writing anything positive or happy. I had been doing a bit better, but this morning I just plummeted. I went to the gym, but came home and went to bed for five hours. When I get to a certain level of despair, I start to feel physically ill. Like I just can’t do anything. I imagine all sorts of creative ways to bring about my own demise. It’s like Eeyore on steroids. It really, really sucks.

I feel like I need to see my doctor about it, regardless of any effects on my weight. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’ve been seeing a psychologist regularly for about a year. This helps me a lot in having an outlet and working through problems, but it doesn’t really help me not feel depressed.

I’m not sure what my point in writing this post is. Maybe just to say, “I’m not okay.” Because I’m not. But I hope to be someday.

My heart is greatly pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me.

Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror has overwhelmed me.

And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest.

Lo, then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah.

I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.          Psalm 55:4-8

Losing weight isn’t really a New Year’s Resolution for me this time around. I was already working on it before the new year rolled around, and I am working toward a very specific goal. I have been going to the gym a lot and really watching my calories. I don’t know if I have ever (healthily) tried so hard to lose weight. So far, I’ve not lost any pounds, but I have lost half an inch off of my waist and half an inch off each thigh. I forgot to measure my hips when I started, so I’m not sure if I’ve lost any inches there. Chris is trying to lose weight, too, and he’s dropping pounds like it’s nothing. We both started a week ago Monday, and he’s already lost twelve pounds. Every day he tells me he’s lost more weight, and every day I want to throw stuff at him. It’s not really fair. I’m trying so hard, but it’s slow going for me.

I’ve never spent much money on a swimsuit before, but, since I’m going to be pretty much living in one for a week in front of lots of people, I’ve been searching the internet for a cute suit.

Here are some of my favorites. Which one do you like best?

My favorite novels? “The Help”, “Little Bee”, “The Elegance of the Hedgehog”, “Lolita”, “Stern Men”, and “The Gravedigger’s Daughter”

My favorite memoirs? “Eat, Pray, Love” “Higher Ground” and “Committed”

My favorite theology? “Adopted for Life”, “The Canon of Scripture” and “A Feminist Introduction to Paul”

I thought about trying again in 2012 to read 100 books, but I decided against it. I want to focus on writing words instead of reading massive amounts of them. Oh, I’ll still read lots. I always have and I always will. Just not at such a breakneck rate. If it weren’t for taking five classes during the spring semester, I think I might have actually read 100 books. I guess I’ll never know.

To celebrate 72 books read and an infinite selection of wonderful books ahead of me, I’m having a giveaway. All you have to do to enter is leave a comment on this post telling me the title of your favorite book, and I’ll put your name in the hat. Additionally, if you read any of the books I reviewed after I reviewed it, tell me the title (titles if you read more than one) and I will put your name in again.

What’s the prize? A book, of course! What else? If you win, you can choose between any of the books that I reviewed that I actually own a hard copy of. Obviously, I can’t give away Kindle books or library books. Here is a picture of some of the books that are up for grabs. If you want to read one that isn’t here (these were just the books I had handy), let me know and it’s yours if I have it. Also, if you are the winner and you read a book that I reviewed, I will send you two books of your choice.

Ok? Ok.

Even if you aren’t particularly thrilled with this giveaway, please leave a comment. I’d really love to know who’s reading. It’s extra motivation for a year of more frequent blogging.

That is the end of the part of the post about the giveaway. Feel free to stop reading now. For those who are interested, though, I’m posting a numerical list of the titles of all the books I read this year.

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1. Radical by David Platt

2. The Darkest Child: A Novel by Delores Phillips

3. Room: A Novel by Emma Donoghue

4. Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls

5. Little Bee by Chris Cleave

6. Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches by Russell D. Moore

7. Imaginary Jesus by Matt Mikalatos

8. The Grand Weaver: How God Shapes Us Through the Events of Our Lives by Ravi Zacharias

9. The Awakening by Kate Chopin

10. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

11. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith

12. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua

13. Spiritual Parenting: An Awakening for Today’s Families by Michelle Anthony.

14. Gray Matter by David Levy and Joel Kilpatrick

15. A Taste of Heaven by R.C. Sproul

16. Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston

17. Scandalous: The Cross and Resurrection of Jesus by D.A. Carson

18. Same Kind of Different as Me: A Modern-Day Slave, an International Art Dealer, and the Unlikely Woman Who Bound Them Together by Ron Hall & Denver Moore with Lynn Vincent

19. Stupid History: Tales of Stupidity, Strangeness and Mythconceptions Throughout The Ages by Leland Gregory

20. I Quit: Stop Thinking Everything is Fine and Change Your Life by Geri Scazzero

21. The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbary

22. Naomi and Her Daughters by Walter Wangerin Jr.

23. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

26. The Gravedigger’s Daughter by Joyce Carol Oates

27. What Is The Gospel? By Greg Gilbert

28. Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola & George Barna

29. The Millennials: Connecting to America’s Largest Generation by Thom S. Rainer & Jess Rainer

30. A Feminist Introduction to Paul by Sandra Hack Polaski

31. The Canon of Scripture by F. F. Bruce

32. Think: The Life of the Mind and the Love of God by John Piper

33. The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan

34. Affirming the Apostles Creed by J. I. Packer

35. Churched: One Kid’s Journey Toward God Despite a Holy Mess by Matthew Paul Turner

36. The Cross and the Switchblade by David Wilkerson

37. Souvenirs of Solitude: Finding Rest in Abba’s Embrace by Brendan Manning

38. Ya-Ya’s in Bloom by Rebecca Wells

39. Another Place at the Table by Kathy Harrison

40. One Small Boat: The Story of a Little Girl, Lost Then Found by Kathy Harrison

41. Tempted and Tried: Temptation and the Triumph of Christ by Russell Moore

42. Lucky: A Memoir by Alice Sebold

43. Dug Down Deep by Joshua Harris

44. The Little Known by Janice Daugharty

45. Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed by Gary Chapman

47. Unplanned by Abby Johnson

49. Missing Mom by Joyce Carol Oates

51. Higher Ground: A Memoir of Salvation Found Then Lost by Carolyn S. Briggs

52. Committed: A Love Story by Elizabeth Gilbert

53. Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search For Everything Across Italy, India, and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert

54. St. Francis of Assisi by G. K. Chesterton

55. Living Close to God: When You’re Not Good At It by Gene Edwards

56. In Christ Alone: Living the Gospel Centered Life by Sinclair Ferguson

57. A Fair Maiden by Joyce Carol Oates

58. The Land of Elyon #1: The Dark Hills Divide by Patrick Carman

59. Beasts by Joyce Carol Oates

60. A Mended and Broken Heart: The Life and Love of St. Francis of Assisi by Wendy Murray

61. Black Water by Joyce Carol Oates

62. The Little Flowers of St. Francis of Assisi by Brother Ugolino

63. The Land Between: Finding God in Difficult Transitions by Jeff Manion

64. The Land of Elyon Book #2: Beyond the Valley of Thorns by Patrick Carman

65. Stern Men by Elizabeth Gilbert

66. The Pearl by John Steinbeck

67. Zombie: A Novel by Joyce Carol Oates

68. My Mortal Enemy by Willa Cather

69. First Love by Joyce Carol Oates

70. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov

71. The View From a Monastery by Brother Benet Tvedten

72. The Help by Kathryn Stockett

But that was last year.

This year, is going to be my year of writing. I write. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. From the time I was around nine years old, I was writing poetry, stories, essays, and regular journal entries. I’ve never stopped. I want to be a published writer. I want to get better and better at it until I reach the point where people are happy to pay money to read what I write. I know it’s a lofty idea, but I like it.

So that is what I’m going to focus on this year. I’m not going back to school before this fall. I really need a break. Time to just chill out and focus on getting myself together. To me, that seems like the perfect time to give serious writing a shot. I don’t know what form this year’s writing will take. I’m always writing poetry, and just last night I wrote a short story. I think that I’m also going to try my hand at writing a novel. And, of course, I will continue blogging, however, I hope to do it on a much more frequent basis with more personal themes than just book reviews.

I’m excited, and I’d love to know what you think about it. Leave me a comment and give me some blogger motivation. Just let me know your’e here.

Also, in honor of all this reading and writing going on, I’m going to have a little giveaway here at my blog. I’ll tell you more about that tomorrow. So, stay tuned!

I know that 2012 is a year like any other year. It will have good times and bad. There will be highlights and abysmally low points. There always is. However, after my 2011, just the thought of this newborn year gives me hope.

Today is rather symbolic for me, in a way. I woke up this morning and went to church with the kids. I think it’s really cool for January 1st to be a Sunday. I like knowing that I started my year worshiping God. Tonight, I will be at the funeral home to remember my uncle, who passed away unexpectedly. His life was snuffed out and he went to be with God, and that is a reminder to me that any moment could be my last. It really doesn’t feel that way to me. I understand that it is true, but I feel like I’m going to live forever. Bobby’s funeral tonight is a reminder that I won’t.

So, for me, today is a symbol of the year ahead. I have at least this moment to start again. I will make the effort to worship the one who created me…to seek Him and listen for His voice, even in unfamiliar places…because life is a vapor.

Hope and levity. Light and dark. A beginning and an end.

Hello, 2012. Please be kind.

This year, I NEED a fresh start in a bad way. 2011 sucked hard! There were good parts, as always, but, man, were the hard parts hard. I have no desire to revisit any of them for this blog post, either. I’m content to leave them in the past.

I went back and read my first post of 2011, and I wrote,

” I hope this year brings you joy, and that God gives you exactly what you need. In the words of Henry the Penguin… “No more. No less.”

I guess, painful though it may have been, God probably gave me what I needed.

I read Chris’ blog post today, and he wrote:

“2011 started rough, got a little better, and then went downhill fast. I have never had my faith challenged like I did this year. Thankfully, God brought me through it. Things aren’t where I want them to be, but they are getting better. Hopefully, this time next year, I will be saying goodbye to the best year of my life.

Thinking back about who I am now, I can honestly say I am a better person. I am not what I used to think I wanted to be. I am thankful for that. Five years ago, I would never have thought I would become who I am now. But, I truly believe, I am better.”

I have to say, the last bit he wrote about not being who he used to think he wanted to be, but being thankful for that…that’s true for me, too. I am nothing like who I thought I should or would be, but I can honestly say, even with all my faults and failures and sin and mess-ups, I still like who I am now better than that idea of who I thought I would be. I hope that I will improve, but I feel like I’m headed in the right direction. Whether anyone else agrees or not.

So, upward and onward! Out of this pit of 2011, and on to new places.

The Help by Kathryn Stockett was an absolutely wonderful book. I had already seen the movie, but I hadn’t read the book. Generally speaking, I almost never like the movie version of a book that I’ve read. With “The Help”, however, the movie was pretty close to the book, and so it was like everything was the same but I got more story for my money with the book.

“The Help” is a story about the black women who were employed as household help by the white women of Jackson, Mississippi. In particular, the book focuses on the characters of Abilene, Minny, and Skeeter. Abilene and Minny are maids, and Skeeter is the privileged, white daughter of a Jackson cotton farmer. Basically, Skeeter’s eyes are opened to what the maids go through working for the white women, and she decides to, in her efforts to become a writer, interview them in secret and anonymously publish a book about their experiences working for white women.

“The Help” is a fantastic novel from both a literary and a sociological standpoint. Every part of it intrigued me. The characters’ multiple relationships were fascinating to me. The civil rights issues were brilliantly brought to light for people like me…who were born too late to truly appreciate the struggle for basic human rights that happened during the Civil Rights Movement in America. I know that this is a work of fiction, but you truly care about what happens to the characters. When they are slighted, you, as a reader, are so involved in their plight that you truly feel the sting of the myriad indignities that they suffered daily.

As an aside, I found it interesting how reading “The Help” has colored the way I feel about things. Chris and I went to a comedy show the other night, and one of the comedians was a black man. He made several jokes about black people that offended me. They weren’t dirty or anything, but just stereotypical. The really offensive part to me was that it was a black man performing to a room full of white people and making disparaging remarks about all black men as a whole. I was sitting there thinking, “This isn’t funny. Some of the men and women in the civil rights movement gave their lives for the cause. So that this guy could peddle his unilateral attempts at comedy for a few laughs?” It just didn’t sit right with me. I guess if a novel can affect the way I think in my day to day life, that is a mark of a good novel.

I have one disclaimer about some of the book’s content.

**Spoiler Alert**

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There is a really graphic miscarriage description in the book. As a woman who has suffered a miscarriage, it was hard for me to read. It brought back a whole wave of emotion that I haven’t felt in a long time. I just wanted to include the information in this review so that someone who is not ready or willing to go there emotionally isn’t blindsided. It has been over three years since I miscarried my baby, but it can still bring up a lot of emotions, apparently. That’s all. Just a heads up.

I highly recommend this brilliantly written book. Five stars!