Things have been quiet here at Nothing Gold recently. I’m sure you’ve noticed. I have been busy, as usual, but I’ve had a lot of heavy stuff going on in my life, as well. It’s hard to write family update stuff…or post random pictures…or whatever else when life gets particularly complicated. It’s hard to write about trivial stuff, when you’re trying not to reveal things that make you feel vulnerable. So, I’ve decided that I should just quit trying. Transparency is a big deal to me. My posts from this past summer show that. I really do believe that God can work in our transparency. So, I guess this post is about what has been going on during the silence here on my blog.

Life really has been busy. Chris spent a week in Albuquerque for work, and I took a trip to Springfield to visit Amy a couple of weeks ago. I’ll post later about my trip, for those of you who care. Elijah had a birthday. I can’t believe he’s four already. We had a small party for him the Saturday before Chris and I left on our trips. I’ll post a separate post with birthday photos, as well. The kids are all doing well. Owen’ s talking more, and my days are filled with his, “Mama? Mama!”. Kyra’s reading now, and doing well in school. They are most happy when they are all playing together. I’m so blessed.

The day before I left on my trip to Springfield, I got a horrible phone call. I’ll not go into all of the details in this public forum, but one of my little brothers almost died. It was a horrid day. I got a phone call from my mom. She was crying. My brother, Jason, who is stationed in another state, was missing. No one knew where he was. When they found him, he was almost dead. They said two more minutes and he would have been gone. I took the kids to my mother-in-law’s, and then went to my mom’s house. Everyone was upset, obviously. Me and my sister-in-law went to pick my youngest brother up at school, and I had to tell him about Jason. It was kind of heartbreaking. For any of you who have dealt with suicide/attempted suicide, I’m sure you can imagine the wide range of emotions. This whole situation kind of consumed our whole family for a while. My brother is alive, though, and getting the help that he needs. For that, I am thankful. I wish you would all pray for him. He is a Marine, and he served in Iraq about a year or so ago. For any of you who know him and would like to send him a card, send me an email, and I will get the address to you. I know it would mean a lot to him to know you care.

Two days after I came home from Springfield, I got up on Easter morning, and took a pregnancy test. I was so excited. It was positive. It wasn’t long, though, before I realized that something wasn’t right. I went to the doctor on Monday, and he told me it looked like I was having a miscarriage. I went back on Thursday to have more blood work done. My levels had went up, but not enough for the doctor to be very optimistic. I went back today to have my levels checked again. I should find out the results tomorrow.

The not knowing has been really hard on me. I have been up and down…mourning and hoping…not really sure what is going on. I already love this baby so much, but I’m not even sure if the baby is still here. It’s really hard not knowing.

So, in the silence on the blog, I’ve been wrestling with a lot of things. Not sure what I wanted people to know, and what made me too vulnerable. I’m not the kind of person, though, who’s good at keeping quiet about things that affect me so greatly. I am kind of an open book, for the most part. Until the last day or two, I’ve only told a few close friends who were praying with me. I decided last night, though, that if I am truly going to be transparent on this blog, in a way that people could feel connected with me, I can’t stay silent about such a huge thing in my life. I have run the gamut of emotions since last Sunday. I have been desperately, heartbreakingly sad, angry at God for letting me go through this, hurt at God that He would possibly take my baby from me, repentant over those feelings, hopeful that my baby is still here, and back and forth, so forth and so on. It’s exhausting. I pretty much spent last week sleeping. On Saturday, I finally found a measure of peace. If I am to go through this, regardless of the outcome, I want to glorify God. If there is a lesson to be learned, I want to learn it. If there is someone to be helped in the future by my experience, well, even when I really don’t want to go through it for the sake of being able to minister in the future, I can see that I would probably consider it worth it down the road. I’m not really there yet, to be honest, but I am able to see that someday I will be.

Regardless of what happens, I know that God is with me. Even when I can’t feel his presence, I know that He is still with me, because He has promised to never leave me or forsake me. He will get me through this. I will be okay.

I guess this excerpt from an email I sent to my friends who have been praying with me says it best:

I just wanted to thank you all for your prayers for me and my little one. I’m doing okay. Yesterday evening/night was hard. I tried to journal…tried to pray…cried some. I felt very alone. Chris was at work, Amy’s not here, and all of you guys are so far away. I was in a sad, sad state. Today, though, I’m doing better. Amy and I prayed a long time this morning, and it has really helped. I’ve had a hard time feeling God through all of this, but He met with me today. I feel like I’m okay now, whatever the outcome. Chris prayed with me yesterday before we went to the u/s, and reminded me that God knew the end before we knew the beginning. He knows how much I want this baby, and, if He takes…or has already taken…my baby to Heaven, well, I know He’ll be with me. Chris read a psalm to me in the waiting room at the hospital yesterday…Psalm 77…told me about how the Psalm writer felt like God wasn’t with him and didn’t hear his cries, how he started to think maybe God was never there, how he then began to remember what God had done for him and brought him through, and then how he began to praise God. It really meant a lot to me. That’s where I’ve been. I’ve felt like God wasn’t with me and didn’t care what I was going through, but then I began to remember all the things he’s brought me through and all the things he’s done for me in the past year, and I have to trust that He has a plan. Obviously, I still want my baby and I’m clinging to the hope that the baby’s still alive, but I know that, even if God’s answer is no, He will hold me up. My attitude has changed dramatically. I want to honor God in this. Thank you ladies for praying for me. For encouraging me to keep the faith and turn to God. I’m going to do that. I want him to be glorified in my pain. If I have to go through this, I want God to somehow use it. I was reminded of a video that has really challenged me in the past. It helped me to watch it today. I want God to be glorified.

Here is the video that I mentioned in the email:

I write this scattered post and insert the section from my email just to show where I am. Where I’ve been. I don’t know how much I’ll want to write about this in the future, but I needed to at least explain what has happened and where I’m coming from. I get results from today’s blood work sometime tomorrow. I would appreciate your prayers. I still have hope.I don’t know what the end result of all of this is. Several people have prayed that God would grow me through this. I’m sure that some sort of growth is inevitable, if I resist the urge to hide under the covers and not deal with it. Hopefully, I’ll be able to share my journey with you, and maybe it will mean something to someone. Above all, I want God to be glorified.

Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

For I, the Lord your God,
hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Fear not,
I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13

Me: “You’re so manipulative, Amy!”

Amy: “I know I am. It’s called ministry.”

It was one of the best days of my life. I was eleven years old. It was summer. We were camping on the river. It was July. It was hot and humid. It had been hours since lunch. We were rapturous in our childhood joy. Laughing and fighting. Chasing each other into the water. One of us would stand solemnly in the current while another raised their hand and said, “I baptize this my sister in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” Down would go the convert, and the preacher’s hand would hold them under till they bubbled. The splash wars were fast and furious. The big rock near the edge was where we would drag our tired bodies for a few moments rest. We picked up flat stones, and skipped them across the water’s surface. My brothers, my cousins, and I were never happier than when we were camping on the river.

I waded through the water to the river’s edge. The muscles in my legs were tired. The river water beaded on my legs, and ran down to make tiny rivers in the sand. I tugged the seat of my bathing suit down, and gingerly stepped my way across the river rocks. For what seemed like the hundredth time that day, I walked to the tree that hung over the river’s edge.

This part of the river was out of the main channel. It was quite deep, and made a perfect swimming hole. The tree that shadowed the hole proclaimed it’s purpose, and someone did the only thing fitting. They tied a thick rope from the sturdy limb overhanging the water, and tied six or seven knots at even intervals along the bottom section of the rope. This beloved tree had a fork in it about three feet from the ground. Three medium sized river rocks were wedged into the fork, making a wobbly ladder of sorts.

Holding onto the rope, I put one bare foot on the trunk of the tree, and pulled myself up to place my other foot on the bottom rock. As the rock wobbled, I balanced my weight, and stepped up to the second rock. It rotated a few inches, and I quickly stepped to the top rock. It was wedged more securely. With one foot on the top rock, I put my other foot against the tree trunk, took a deep breath, pushed off the tree, and swung out in a graceful arc. At the height of my swing, I let go over the deepest part of the pool. As the cool green water covered my head, I sunk to the bottom. My feet touched the rocky river bed, I bent my knees, and pushed off…my outstretched arms reaching for the sunlight. My head broke the surface, and I gasped for air. I kicked my legs, and pushed the curtain of brown hair from my eyes. Leaning my head back, I let the water pull my bangs back from my face. I swam toward the shore, pulled myself onto a submerged rock, and sat chest deep in the river.

Summer, when you’re eleven, is heaven on earth.

I had a hard night last night. Everyone has those kind of nights…something hurts your feelings…you get down…feel alone. I’ve been kind of down all morning, but, on the way to pick Kyra up from school, this song came on the radio, and it really lifted my spirits. I thought you guys might like to hear it, too.

So, I was watching youtube videos the other day, and was awestruck at this one. I used to go to church with the piano player in this video. He’s a few years younger than me, and he is an AMAZING pianist. He is playing professionally now with a Southern Gospel group called The Stamps. I was just completely impressed with how good Daniel is. So, I asked him if it was okay to post his video here. He said it was, so here it is. This is a really fun video.

Hello, everyone. I thought I’d write an update post…for all of you who want to know what’s going on with the Harmon family.

Things are going well, actually. We’re all doing pretty good. The kids and I are sick right now, which is why I’m writing this blog post instead of being at church right now. We had a very warm couple of days, followed by a few really, really cold days, and it has wreaked havoc with us. We all have sinus infections, I think. It started with Owen, then I got it, and now Elijah and Kyra are starting to feel bad. I’m going to try to get us all in to the doctor tomorrow. I actually ran into our doctor at Kroger yesterday, and, despite my horrible coughing fit in his presence, he didn’t offer to write any prescriptions in the produce section. The Lord is good, though. When a few sinus infections are your worst complaints, I think you’re doing good.

Chris, as usual, is unaffected by our sickness. He almost never gets sick. He is, however, very, very busy. He is always either working, or doing schoolwork. He ended up taking four classes this semester. I was very thankful that he didn’t take five like last semester. I’d tell you what classes he’s taking, but I don’t actually remember. If you’re interested, though, I could ask him. I’m very, very proud of my man for how hard he is working to simultaneously support our family and prepare for the call that God has placed on his life. He is a very interesting man to talk to these days. Beyond his schoolwork, he’s been studying different subjects on his own, and it makes for some interesting conversations. I appreciate his studious nature. It makes me a smarter person.

I am only taking the two classes this semester. I’m doing well in them. I’m not having as much fun this semester since I’m not actually going to classes. I really enjoy getting out of the house, meeting new people, and experiencing the social side of school. Taking a full load of classes like I did the first two regular semesters (I only took two classes in the summer) was more than I thought I could responsibly handle this semester. Last semester was really hard, and I felt like I needed to cut down this time around. So, school is not as demanding on my time right now as it was in the fall. I would appreciate your prayers as I try to decide about which classes and how many I should take in the next couple of semesters. It’s always a delicate balance concerning school and family.

Kyra is doing very well in school. She’s learning to read and write, and is doing quite well. She has actually already finished kindergarten, and she has been working on first grade work for a few weeks now. She likes school, but she sometimes procrastinates a lot. She’s very dramatic, and there are often tears involved in her schoolwork. She gets easily overwhelmed by a difficult looking task. Her confidence is growing as she moves along in school, though. I’ve noticed her, in the last week or two, reading things around the house. I think that’s awesome. Next school year, the school she is going to will no longer be open, so I will be homeschooling her. It’s a daunting task, but a friend of mine, who is the main supervisor at her school, is going to help me get set up and going. Kyra will continue doing the same curriculum that she does now, so that will make it easier for me. I went through the same curriculum when I went to school, so I am very familiar with it. Her homeschooling is yet another thing that I will have to take into consideration when I decide about my own classes in the fall.

Elijah is doing awesome. He is changing a lot lately. He’s not quite so contrary as he used to be. He has always been a very sweet, tenderhearted little boy, but he has also always shown a very gruff side to people outside our family. He’s getting better at this. He loves Sunday school and Awana, and is doing really well with interacting in his classes. He learns and says his Bible verses, and is doing really well with participation. I’m proud of the changes I’ve seen in him. He is awfully quiet, but he takes everything in. He randomly tells me he loves me all day long. He hugs all over Kyra and Owen, and often helps his little brother do things. He’s the first one to volunteer to help me do things. He is fixing to have a birthday later this month…the 25th. I can’t believe he’s turning four!

Owen keeps us in stitches most of the time. He’s hilarious. He’s very, very funny, and, oh, so cute. He’s learning to talk, and his vocabulary is starting to pick up. Unfortunately, he has, for some reason, started saying a very naughty word for pretty much everything. I don’t know why he decided to put those particular sounds together, but it’s quite distressing. So, if you hear my baby boy cursing, please know that he did not overhear it anywhere. It’s just an unfortunate practicing of sounds. <sigh> I try. I really try. Besides his potty mouth, he’s quite the personality. He loves to make us laugh. If you laugh one time at something, he is sure to repeat it. His brother and sister think he is totally awesome, and they always let him in on their fun. I love watching the three of them play together. I couldn’t be more blessed with kids that get along together. Owen is also a very, very affectionate little boy. He spends half his time in my lap. He still plays with my hair constantly. He has started going to people, arms outstretched, and says, “Hug.” It’s adorable.

I know this is not the most fascinating or entertaining post, but it’s mostly for those family members who live far away and like to know what we’re up to. We’re doing good. Life is good. Really, really good.

 I took these pictures a couple of weeks ago. Was going to blog about being a college student slash mommy. It took me so long to get to it, I forgot what I was going to write. So, instead, here’s some pictures.

This is where I spend  half my time…at the kitchen table, the laptop in front of me, and my books (which you can’t see in the photo..trust me, they’re there) open on the table.

See, this is what I was looking at. Textbook, study notes, and my index card of handwritten notes I was allowed to take with me to my Western Civ Exam. 

This is the baby who interrupts my understanding of Social Darwinism. 

I would rather socialize with a huggy baby boy than study socialism any day. 

This is the shaggy-headed little boy who needed help putting his mittens on. I don’t know why. He wanted to hug me before he left. As you can see, Owen took issue with that.  

This is the thoughtful little girl who sits across the table doing her own projects.

So, tell me, Friend…is it any surprise to you that I got a B instead of an A on that exam?

Priorities…I guess that’s my point.