Time for an AAR. That’s Army speak for After Action Report. My summer is over. My absolutely unbelievable summer. My crazy cool, couldn’t have been better if I had of scripted it summer is over. I want to share what God has done for me. There is no way that I could fit everything into one post, so consider this the first of a few posts. My subjects are not necessarily chronological, because God has been working in my heart about various things simultaneously throughout the summer. So, I’m just going to give you one topic at a time.

When summer started, Chris left for Fort Jackson. It didn’t take long for the loneliness to set in. I missed my husband. I really, really missed him. I was used to talking to him whenever I wanted to. If he was at work, I could almost always call him and talk to him. Suddenly, he belonged to the Army, and I had to talk to him on their timetable. School had started, but it wasn’t just passing time. It was hard. The subjects were not my favorites, and they were hard to keep up with when I had the kids and the house and everything else to attend to all by myself. I was getting depressed, and fast. I needed friends. God sent them.

I had started talking to Amy right before Chris left, but, after he left, we began talking a lot. We really got to know each other fast, and it was very, very apparent to us that our friendship was a God thing. He was all over our conversations. My days got a lot less lonely. I had someone to talk to who knew what it was like…way more than I did. Not only did He send me Amy, but He let me cross paths with Heather and Laura, who were going through the exact thing I was. Their husbands were at Fort Jackson, too, and we bonded over that.

It was friendship that God used to get my attention. He knew the cry of my heart was that I wanted friends. When He sent friends from such unusual places (Heather found me through a random YouTube video), it was hard to not realize that He was paying attention to me.

The true turning point of this summer was during a late night IM conversation with Amy. I was telling her that I felt so discouraged and inadequate when it came to praying. I was saved as a little girl, but I have always struggled with regularly praying and reading my Bible. It seems so basic. So easy. Yet I always felt completely inept. I would do good for a few days or a few weeks or even for a few months, but I would always eventually slack off. I would read a little less, skip a day or two without praying, and, before I knew it, my heart was cold and hard as a stone. I don’t know what made me want to bare my soul to my friend that night, but I’m glad I did. I told her I felt like a “baby, retarded Christian”. I couldn’t even get past the basics. She challenged my thinking. She said maybe I didn’t have to kneel down for a prescribed time every morning to pray or read three chapters every day to commune with God, but maybe my relationship with Him was too personal to have to follow someone else’s idea of what I should do. The freedom I felt when she told me that is hard to describe. I think it was hope that I felt. I ended that IM conversation, and prayed a heartfelt prayer that I knew…I KNEW…was being heard. The next few days I spent praying here and there throughout my days. It wasn’t the normal suggested “prayer time” but it was working for me. God was a part of my days, and it was good. I began reading my Bible again. Really reading it. Expecting to find something there to help me, and not just filling my quota of chapters. My cold heart was thawing. I was beginning to feel the love of my Father.

Even if I wrote a book, I couldn’t fit in every thing that God has done for me this summer. On a daily basis, He was speaking to my heart. I can tell you about several things that stick out in my mind, though.

When I started including God in my life…reading His Word, talking to him, listening for Him…it amazed me how He met with me. The more I talked to Him, the thirstier I was for more of Him. I wanted to know what He wanted from me. I wanted to do His will. I wanted to be with Him. One night, a couple weeks into Chris being gone, I had shut myself in my closet…blocking out everything but my intended purpose…and I was asking God to give me direction. To let me know what I needed to do next. For the first time in my life, I actually heard Him speak something specifically to my heart. I had been praying for awhile, and I was waiting. Silently waiting. Suddenly, there were words in my mind…a Bible verse…”Be still and know that I am God.” It wasn’t a direct answer to what I was praying about. It was, however, confirmation in my mind that He was with me. He was guiding me, and I could trust Him to give me direction in His time. Just a short time later, I was in my van, and the song “Be Still” by Story Side B came on the radio. It was all about praying, asking God for direction, and Him answering “Be still.” Hearing that song for the first time was indescribable. It spoke directly to my heart. The end of the song has the words “We are not alone.” repeated over and over. If ever words directly comforted my heart it was those words. We are not alone!

Hearing God speak to me…speaking words directly to my heart…made me even thirstier. I had to have more of Him. I was more aware than ever how much I really needed Him. I spent a lot of time in my closet. Funny how once I let go of the idea of what was expected of my prayer life, I just began to pray more. It was not a “have to” thing but a “want to” thing. I was praying in full confidence that He was hearing me. There were several times during this summer when I let things creep back into my heart that stood between me and God, but He was patient with me. Every time I drew near to Him, instead of pushing me away, He just pulled me in closer to Him.

Through all of this, I was talking to Amy. I know people are probably tired of hearing me talk about her all the time, but she is a major part of my summer. We spent hours upon hours talking about, not just the ordinary things people chat about, but serious things that were actually important. Things that really mattered. After only knowing each other for a few weeks, Amy flew to Tennessee and went to Fort Jackson with me and then stayed the remainder of a week with me at my house. I blogged back then about staying up all night talking, giggling, and listening to music, which we totally did, but it wasn’t just mindless chit chat that kept us up all night. We spent a lot of time talking about the things that had made us who we are…our histories, families, and testimonies. We talked about where God was taking us, and what He was doing in our hearts. Most of that music we listened to was Chris Rice’s song, “Thirsty”. The lyrics of that song were exactly what my heart felt. I knew there was more to the Christian life than what I had been living. I was thirsting after the things of God, and I needed Him to satisfy me. Amy and I prayed together a lot, sitting in my living room floor. It was a good thing. Sitting shoulder to shoulder in the presence of God. The Bible says that where two or three were gathered in His name, He would be right in the middle of it. We were not in church or gathered with a big group of people, but we were gathered in His name. He honored His promise. He met with us. He blessed us. He comforted us. He encouraged our hearts. It was a really good thing.

One night, we had been lying in the living room floor talking. I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about, but I had been thinking about some stuff. I had just thought, “God, I wish I really felt like you love me. I know you do in my head, but I wish I could feel it in my heart. I just wish I really felt like you loved me.” No sooner had the thoughts entered my mind then Amy stood up abruptly, left the room, and came back with her Bible. She turned some pages, plopped it down in front of me, and pointed to this passage:

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every familyin heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14-19

Amy had no idea what I had been thinking, but just felt like she was supposed to show me those verses. I have never in my life felt more loved by God. I mean, seriously…how often do you get a hand-delivered message from God? I felt like I was at the top of his list that night. My heart was overflowing with the love of my Father. I guess I felt like I was “Daddy’s Little Girl” that night.In the weeks since then, He has been just as real to me. Whether staying up half the night with Amy when she was here the second time, praying in my van after dropping Kyra off at school, sitting in church, or just going about my daily business…He has been with me. He has been speaking to my heart. He has been showing me a bit of His glory. He has been revealing Himself to me when I read His word. He has changed who I am.

I am so expectant. I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. He satisfies my soul. He gives me water that, not only satisfies, but is so sweet that I can’t help but thirst for more. I am expecting more. He has promised me more.

I’m so thankful for the way He has shown me His love. I just had to share.

Thanks, Everyone, for your comments and input on my last post.

I guess, if we all agree that we should live transparent lives, the next question is, “Do we have the courage to be transparent.” I know some of those who commented do, because I’ve been reading their blogs.

Jenn, you should know that your recent post about what you’ve been dealing with was what encouraged me to write about this topic. I appreciate you, and I appreciate your vulnerability. I really believe that God is using you to help people going through similar situations.

My prayer is that we will surrender our pride and our concern for what people think, and just listen to Him and follow His prompting. Has God prompted you to be transparent? The more transparent we are, the more God’s grace can be shown in our lives.

What does He want you to do?

Are you real? Is what people see the real you?

I’ve been asking myself these questions lately. We spend so much of our lives trying to show people what we want them to see, that sometimes we never let them see who we really are.

Does that matter? What about in the lives of Christians? Does it make any difference if we put up an attractive front to impress people?

Lately, I’ve come to the conclusion that it does matter. We are important to one another. Like it or not, we often take our cues from those around us. When it seems like every other Christian we know is leading a perfect life, it makes us feel as if we are somehow inadequate…not good enough to have reached the place where we have everything together. Then we beat ourselves up. We must be doing something wrong. We must not be as good of a Christian as everyone else. If we were not somehow lacking, wouldn’t we be as happy as everyone else?

I’ve recently come to realize something, though. What you see is not always what is real. People don’t really have everything together. They are flesh and blood just like me. They have hard times, they have low times, and everyone has their stuff that they struggle with. Everyone has stuff. Everyone! Your stuff may be different than mine…it probably is. You may deal with yours better than me, or maybe I deal with mine better than you. When it gets down to it, though, we all live in a fallen world, we are all human, and we all have stuff.

So, what? Why does it matter if we paste on a smile and give everyone a perception that our lives are what we wish they were? Shouldn’t that inspire them? Shouldn’t they want what we’ve got if it seems like we have got it all together? Well, maybe. Or, maybe, other Christians would be more encouraged if we lived a life so transparent that we could see each other’s struggles and know that we are not alone? Life can be hard. It’s not long, but it is hard. It shouldn’t be lonely, too. Jesus didn’t intend for us to be lonely within our churches. He meant for us to encourage each other. He meant for us to support one another. He didn’t intend for the church to be a group of people who met three times a week to impress each other with how much they had it all together.

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:23-25

How can we stir up one another to love and good works? By being together. By encouraging one another. More and more as days pass, we need each other. We need to be real with each other. Feeling alone does no one any good. Feeling like you are the only one with that thing that you have struggled with for so long doesn’t help anyone. It’s so unnecessary.

What about our testimonies? Shouldn’t we deal with our struggles privately, and just let others see that God is taking care of us? Shouldn’t we show them a neat and tidy life so that they would be encouraged that their lives could be that way, too? Well, maybe, but what if that’s not the best way? What if we just lived our lives transparently? By that, I mean living our lives as an open book? Wouldn’t it be more encouraging to someone, first of all, to see that they are not alone. They are not the only one that still struggles. Often, it seems like salvation is a magic pill. Once you take it, your life is all better. When it doesn’t work that way, we wonder what’s wrong with us that it didn’t fix everything. It is isolating to think you are the only one. Secondly, if we had been watching someone’s life…if we knew about what they were dealing with…and then we saw how God worked in their lives, well, how could that not be encouraging?

Aren’t we supposed to be strong, though? Aren’t we supposed to put our best foot forward? If salvation is not the cure all for what’s wrong in our lives, why would anyone want it?

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. II Corinthians 12:9

Paul wrote that verse after talking about something in his life that he had repeatedly asked God to take away. He didn’t want to have to deal with it, but it was there. The verse above was written in acceptance of this thing that he had to live with. He came to the conclusion that even though he had to live with this thing, not only would he accept it, but he would be glad about it. Why? Because he knew that through our weaknesses, God’s strength would be made all the more apparent. From that, I conclude that if we just put on a happy face and show people a sanitized picture of who we are, all they get from it is an appreciation of our own strength. Living transparently, though, allows them to see Christ’s strength in our lives. Letting them see the real struggles of real people also allows them to see the real power of a real Savior.

Could we handle it? Could we handle Christians being real?

**I really would like to know everyone’s thoughts on this post. If you are reading this post, please post your thoughts in the comments. i would really appreciate it.

I was sitting at my computer desk, when Elijah and Kyra came running up to me. Elijah had a very odd look on his face, and Kyra looked a little worried.

Kyra: “Mama, I had a little accident.”

Me: “What happened?”

Elijah just looked at me with big, blue eyes.

Kyra: “Well, I accidentally spilled a little Mountain Dew on Elijah’s hair?”

Me: “What? How do you accidentally spill a little Mountain Dew on your brother?”

Elijah just took his hat off, held it six inches above his head to show the entirety of his hair soaked with Mountain Dew, looked pitifully at me, and put his hat back on.

I just laughed. That’s all. What else can you do when your kids obviously have problems.

My summer is over. Finished. Done.

Amy’s gone, Kyra’s been in school for a week, Chris’ classes start tomorrow, and I have to be at school at eight in the morning for some mandatory freshman experience thing. It’s really kind of irritating, since I have already attended two semesters there. Oh, well. My classes start on Monday. I have a psychology class on Monday nights and Comp II on Thursday nights. Plus, three web classes. I’m really looking forward to school, but, for once, I’m kind of sad to see the summer end. When I was a kid, I was always ready for school to start. Call me a nerd, but I loved school. I still do, when we’re not talking about math. I do have another math class this semester. Hopefully, it won’t be as stressful as the last one.

I’m looking forward to what this semester is going to bring. I’m looking forward to meeting new people. I am looking forward to the classes themselves. I am taking three classes that I’m really excited about, and one more that will probably be interesting. And then there’s the math class…but I’m not going to dwell on that. All in all, though, I’m excited about what the next few months hold for me, and terribly expectant. I expect the Lord to do big things in my life. How could I not? He’s been doing crazy cool stuff for me lately.

Excited and expectant…what a way to start the semester!

A mixed bag of emotions. Happy and sad. Eighteen days with my friend and her little ones. So much more than we had expected, yet not nearly long enough.

I had such a good time visiting with Amy. Having her and her kids along on our vacation was so great. Getting to spend some more time with them once we got back to Tennessee was the icing on the cake. The many miles between us makes her leaving especially hard. It was easier last time, when we knew we would get to see each other in only about a month’s time. This time, though, we don’t know when we’ll get to see each other again. We both have school. We both have kids in school. Mostly, though, we have 573 miles between us. It’s tempting to just feel bad about the fact that I have this great friend that I can’t see nearly often enough, but, after I think about it, I should really just be thankful that God blessed me with her friendship in the first place. It really is amazing.

We didn’t even know each other before this summer. I had left a couple of comments on her blog at the beginning of the year, but that was it until right before Chris went to Fort Jackson. A week or so before he left, Amy sent me an email with her phone number in case I needed someone to talk to while Chris was gone, being all chaplain’y. We began chatting, and, after Chris left, we started talking a lot. With both of our husbands gone for the Army, we had lots of empty time to fill up. I actually kicked my horrible, time-sucking t.v. habit because of all of the time I spent talking to her online. Through just random commenting on blogs and email and IM conversations, we got to be great friends. Five weeks or so into a new friendship, Amy got on a plane and flew to Nashville where I picked her up, having never met in real life or even known each other online for more than a few weeks. She went with me to Fort Jackson, and then stayed with me for a week. We spent a week hearing each other’s stories, talking, listening to music, and even praying together. Even now, writing this, it astounds me at how quickly we became friends. It was definitely a God thing. We both needed each other, and the miles and circumstances that normally would have prevented us from ever meeting were nothing to God.

So now, at the closing of my summer, I can’t help but be amazed. I was awfully lonely when this summer started. God has filled it up with good things. These last eighteen days have been so good for me. We have enjoyed our visit immensely. Our kids enjoyed it, too. They alternately played and fought, sang and tattled, played outside and played on the computers. These are definitely our kids. It’s kind of sad when, in a house with four computers hooked up and online, we had a computer shortage. Our kids spent hours with all four of the big kids sitting together in my desk chair playing the computer, on opposite ends of the kitchen table playing with each other, or crammed onto the chair.

I love this picture. They are still all hot and sweaty from playing outside, and are laughing like crazy over some silly computer game.

I expected Kyra and Sarah to spend all their time playing girly things like Barbies and baby dolls, but, while they did like to play with each other, it was Jeremiah and Kyra who hit it off the best. They spent hours and hours and hours playing computer games together. They also had some pretty spectacular, freaking out arguments. Is an arranged marriage out of the question?

It was so cool to see our kids having fun together. I really love those Maxwell kids.

Amy was pretty fond of my kids, too, but I think it was pretty obvious that she love, love, loves Owen the most. Shh. Don’t tell.

We had such a good time, it’s hard to see the visit end. Instead of being all sad about it, though, I’m just going to be thankful. Thankful for good friends and the opportunity to spend time with them.

God is really good to me. Really, really good.

While trying to find something to hang up a picture Sarah made me to remember her by, I said, “I guess I’ll have to use a push pin…I am out of tape.”

Amy said, “Try the left junk drawer”   Pause.   “That means I’ve been here too long.”

Check out my new blog look! Isn’t it awesome? It’s so pretty. Amy fixed all the problems and made it look so pretty, pretty, pretty.

Thanks, Amy. Really.

People have been wondering why I’ve not been blogging so much. To be honest, I’m having too much fun to sit still and blog.

Right now, we are having a talent show in my living room. Jeremiah, Kyra, Sarah, and Elijah are taking turns climbing up on a table and singing songs. We just got through with an awesome song and dance routine by Jeremiah doing “Trading My Sorrows”. Amy was dancing around my kitchen holding Sarah, and Owen is just walking around in his sleeper “singing” along with everyone else, smiling from ear to ear.

Who has time to blog when I’ve only got a few days left? I’m having too much fun!

Amy just said, “So, I drank a cup of dirt today. Well, they called it Folgers, but it tasted like dirt.”