There’s so much more.

I am realizing lately, more than ever, that there is so much more to life than this. So much more to Christianity than this. So much more to following Christ than this.

This. This apathy. This complacency. This settling for less than what Jesus came to bring us. He died for more than this!

He called us to love one another. He said that should be what sets us apart…our identifying characteristic…that we love. We love Him. We love others. We love.

But we don’t.

I am so very aware of my own shortcomings right now. I’ve been reading about God’s love lately, in the books “The Furious Longing of God” and “Crazy Love”. About His love for us, and His command to give out His love to others. Without reciprocation. Without praise. Without thanks. Without recognition. We are to love. But we don’t.

But I don’t.

I laid on my face today and asked God to change me…to help me love. To help me follow Him. To cleanse my heart and make me new and pure. To help me to love Him. I know that I can’t love Him without Him giving me the love to give back to Him. There is no good in me without Him.

I’m tired of offering Him filthy rags. I want Him. I want more of Him. I want to be so full of Him that people notice. I read the entire book of James last night, after Chris went to sleep. “Faith without works is dead.” My version of Christianity makes me sick. How does He feel about it? I’m so self-centered…so worried about everything except the business that He wants me to be about. Father, help me!

The Internet is such a strange place. You click a link and find yourself introduced to someone’s life that you weren’t prepared to enter into. You make a decision…do you read on, cry, and feel your heart break in empathy, or do you click away from someone’s heartbreaking reality and spare yourself the pain of remembering that mothers suffer…babies die…happily ever afters sometimes never come.

Reading someone’s blog lets you enter into their life. It allows you to get to know a stranger’s intimate thoughts…their hopes and dreams…their fears…and sometimes what they had for breakfast. Some bloggers are funny. Some are sweet. Some blog to keep track of their family’s memories, and some blog to share their journey with anonymous online readers who might champion their cause and remember them in their prayers.

Reading blogs can be a very tumultuous experience. I have followed someone’s blog that was focused on their adoption process. I read as they brought two beautiful Haitian children home to join their family, and then recoiled in horror when I checked in a few days later to read that one of their birth children had been terribly burned in a cooking accident. I’ve unsuspectingly visited a mommy blogger’s blog to find a message posted by the blogger’s sister-in-law saying that she had passed away during a c-section, leaving behind a husband, a newborn baby, and six older children. You expect one thing, and you get a large dose of real life instead. In the last couple of months, I’ve cried many tears over the deaths of three different babies. I’ve read their parents’ blogs, and I’ve cried heartbreaking tears of empathy. Sometimes, it’s nearly too much.

It’s a strange place, this Internet world. I follow their stories. I smile at their children’s antics, and cry when their mothers die. I sometimes turn blogging friends into real life friends. Sometimes, reading each other’s blogs turns into phone calls turns into visits turns into best friends. Sometimes, it’s just too much to bear a stranger’s pain as well as mine, and I say a prayer and click away.

It’s a strange place, where you have the right and freedom to choose to care or to look away.

It’s a strange place.

Today has lasted forever. Well, actually, I just looked at the time and today has turned into tomorrow. I feel like I’ve done nothing at all today. I have spent most of it right here on this couch.

I woke up around eight this morning with a little girl who was not going back to sleep. I woke up exhausted. I had spent the night with a sick little boy and a sick’ish little girl. Owen has been sick for days…cough, congestion, and low grade fevers, and Abby Jo has a congested nose. They were both in bed with me. Owen mostly slept, but did so fitfully at times, due to his coughing. Abby Jo didn’t sleep well at all. Poor baby couldn’t breathe well because she was so congested, but when I suctioned her nose with the nasal aspirator she would wake up. Once I would finally get her to sleep, I would drift off for a while, only to wake again when she got too stuffy again. It was not a good night of sleep at all.

After a night like that, I was up long enough to change her diaper, check my email, nurse her, and make Owen a doctor’s appointment. Then, I sent Elijah after a pillow and blanket for me, and settled in right here on the couch for a nap. I woke up at one o’clock, left Kyra in charge of her sister, and went to take a shower. Half way through my shower, Kyra came and reported that she was “going through the list…I put a blanket over her to see if she was too cold, but she didn’t stop crying. So, I unbuttoned her sleeper to see if she was too warm, but she didn’t stop crying. She might be hungry, but I can’t feed her. She needs you. I checked in her diaper and saw poop, so I thinks he needs her diaper changed, too.” I’m sure you probably heard the frustrated sigh that I sighed. I told her to go wake up her daddy, and I’d be out in a minute. When I emerged from the bathroom dripping and wrapped in a towel, I found Abby Jo, not in the care of her daddy (who was still sleeping), but being crooned to by her big sister who was quite deftly changing her diaper. Kyra was doing a good job with the diaper, but Abby was having a meltdown. I finished up the diaper changing, wiped Abby’s nose, and scooped her up. I barely put her down for the rest of the day.

Abby was so worked up that, even after I nursed her, she began crying the moment I put her down. She didn’t want Chris or Kyra to hold her at all. She was only quiet if I held her. I talked Chris into taking Owen to the doctor, since Abby was so upset, and went and sat with her on the couch. I’ve been here all day. I didn’t even manage to eat for the first time until three in the afternoon. Abby obviously felt bad, but I wasn’t sure what was wrong with her. After two terrible diapers, I assumed her belly hurt.

Chris brought Owen home after a doctor’s visit that included chest x-rays, with a diagnosis of an ear infection and some antibiotics. Thankfully, he didn’t have pneumonia. He’s quite miserable, though, and cries over the least little thing. He’s sleeping in his daddy’s arms on the couch right now.

The entire day, I held Abby. She cried a lot, even when I was holding her. There were times when she seemed to be feeling better, and she smiled and cooed at me as she snuggled in my arms. She would go to sleep, but, as soon as I tried to lay her in her basket, she would wake up and cry. I resigned myself to a day full of nothingness, and just held her. She’s finally sleeping in her basket for the last fifteen minutes. That’s the longest I’ve went without holding her all day. I am tired.

As frustrating as it is to not get anything done and as tiring as it is to try to soothe a fussy infant all day, there were moments when I would look down at this breathtakingly beautiful baby in my arms and just be overwhelmed with love…staggered at the truth that this tiny, perfect little human is mine. Mine.

It’s all worth it.

Twenty-one weeks! We are on the downhill side now. I’m so glad. Abigail is growing and healthy, and is about 10 1/2 inches long now. She moves around and kicks me a lot…mostly in the bladder, as of late. I’m getting quite large, but I’m still resisting succumbing to maternity clothes for the most part. A rubber band extends my regular jeans a little bit so I don’t have to button them, and they work just fine. About half of my shirts are still big enough to cover up my belly. I know it’s a futile struggle, but I am not going to wear maternity clothes until I have to. Plus, I sold or gave away a ton of my maternity clothes after Owen, because I didn’t think I’d be having any more babies. The longer I can go without wearing them, the less of them I have to buy.

School is almost over for me. I have, I think, three more statistics classes and two more Lit classes. My Lit class is on Thursday, so I get out of one class on account of Thanksgiving. I had a big statistics exam last night, which I passed, thank God! Statistics is hard. I don’t like it, and I’m happy as can be to get a B. I have no grand ideas of getting an A in this class. I hope for a B, but I wouldn’t even cry over a C. I’ve never got a C in a class before. I think I’ve only gotten two B’s. Statistics has quickly lowered my academic standards, though.

After this semester is over, I will have a very long break from school for a while. I will take this Spring semester off, because Abby will be born before it’s over. I’ve had a couple of girls in my class tell me that they tried to take classes the semester their babies were born, and it was a big mistake. I just have no desire to deal with homework instead of being able to relax and enjoy my new baby. I won’t take summer classes, because that would just be crazy. Chris is planning on going to Fort Jackson this summer for the second half of CHBOLC, and there’s no way I will be doing a new baby, three other kids, no husband, AND homework. That’s just insane. I’m going to take the Fall semester off, as well, because I will be starting kindergarten with Elijah. It’s a lot more labor intensive than the first grade work Kyra is doing this year. While she works mostly on her own, I’ll have to be teaching Elijah how to read, etc. Lots of work for me. So, I will be foregoing the fall semester as well. As far as the 2010 spring semester, I don’t know. I’ll see when it gets here.

Chris is on the downhill side of his seminary experience. He’s almost through with what the Army requires. He should fulfill those requirements at the end of the upcoming Spring semester. He should also have a much lighter class load next semester, since he took five classes this semester. After that, he will be going ahead with becoming a Chaplain, and just take one class at a time while he finishes his M-Div. The remaining classes will mostly be Greek and Hebrew classes.

All that said, I’m really looking forward to less homework around the Harmon household. One benefit of not going to school this spring is I will have a few months to sort through stuff and get things in better shape around here before Abby Jo makes her arrival. Lots of things have gone neglected while I’ve been preoccupied with school. I have boxes and boxes of clothes the kids have outgrown that need to be dealt with, closets that beg to be sorted through, etc. I’d like to take care of that before I’m so huge just getting off the couch is too much work.

Anyway, this post is incredibly boring, and so I will end it. Maybe my blog will be more fun again in a few weeks. There’s always hope, right?

I have been so busy lately that I’ve not had a lot of time to blog. I’ve also been tired and sickish, which means I’ve spent a lot of time on the couch.

Since Chris left for Fort Jackson, I’ve had to coordinate getting his car picked up and then taken back to get fixed for something else, having new tires put on it, and the oil changed. Our van was tore up two weeks before he left, and then our car tore up the week immediately prior to him leaving. We still didn’t have it back when he left, so he drove his mom’s car to Fort Jackson, and then he came home Friday evening to pick his up and get hers back to her. So, he got to spend the night here with us Friday night.

I didn’t get to spend any time with him on Saturday, though, because I had training in Oak Ridge from nine till three thirty. I don’t know if I blogged about it here or not, but I have been volunteering at Choices Resource Center. It is a crisis pregnancy center in Oak Ridge. Starting on Saturday, I am going through a 24 hour training to teach me how to counsel with the women who come to us. I’m really enjoying working there, and I’m excited about getting to counsel with the girls who come in. They also asked me to be the  contact person for my church.

Speaking of my church, Chris and I joined our church right before he left. We have been there for getting close to a year now, and took our time about joining. We wanted to be sure it was where God wanted us to be. We talked to the pastor about it the Sunday before he left, we went before the board the next Wednesday, and then went before the church on the next Sunday (the day Chris left for Jackson). So, once we made our desire to join the church known, it didn’t take long to get it all taken care of. We’re excited about being a part of the ministry at Trinity. Chris and I have been asked to teach the high school Awana class, and we are so very excited about that. That starts on August 31, and I can’t wait.

Thank you to everyone who left their congratulations in my comments section on my last post. We’re so very excited about this baby. The kids are really excited, too. I’ve been to the doctor a couple of times to check my hormone levels. The results of Friday’s blood work were that my hcg levels had went up appropriately, but my progesterone levels had dropped. After they drew blood on Friday, I began taking Prometrium, which is basically progesterone, so I’m hoping and praying that taking that will take care of things. I’ll have to go back again sometime this week, but I’m not sure when yet. I confess the drop in my progesterone level made me extremely nervous, but so far everything seems fine with this pregnancy. I’ve not had any problems like I did last time. I’ve been nauseous off and on since a week before I found out I was pregnant, and I’ve been incredibly tired on some days. I definitely feel pregnant.  I would so much appreciate your prayers for me and my baby.

Speaking of my baby, I have some wonderful news about one of my other babies. Kyra got saved this past Thursday. We were having family church (our name for our family devotions), and Kyra would not be put off any longer. She’s been asking questions and wanted to get saved for about a year, and we’ve tried to make sure that she really understood what that meant. She’s been telling everyone she meets that Jesus saved her. As a Mama, nothing could make me happier.

So, that about wraps it up for an update kind of post. Things are going well, and we’re staying busy. My training at Choices ends Saturday afternoon, and I’m immediately going to get the kids and head to Fort Jackson to spend a week there with Chris. We’re all excited about that. So, keep us all in your prayers. We definitely appreciate it.

On the way home from taking Kyra to school today, I was looking at the beauty all around me. Blue, cloudless skies. Budding trees. White, yellow, and purple blossoms everywhere I looked. And I thought, “It’s kind of ironic to be surrounded by new life while my heart is wrapped up in a new death.”

This morning, as I was up getting ready to take Kyra to school, the kids and I were all eating one of our favorite quick things for breakfast…Muffin Tops.

While eating my muffin top, I was looking at Facebook, and noticed a little ad on the side of the page for a different kind of muffin top…

Kinda took a little bit out of my enjoyment of my yummy breakfast treat. Cruel irony.Stings a little. Thanks for that, Facebook.

I appreciate everyone’s comments to my last couple of posts. It means a lot. I mostly appreciate your prayers. I certainly need them.

The last few days have been hard. I think I’ve ran the gamut of emotions. I began really, physically miscarrying on Friday, and I was unprepared for the intense emotions that brought with it. Saturday was particularly hard, because I had to take the kids to their Awana banquet. I wanted to be in bed, not socializing at a church event. The kids really wanted to go, though, and Chris was working, so I had to take them. The hardest part was having to repeatedly tell people that I lost the baby. I kind of dropped the ball in updating people as to what had happened, and my wonderful church people didn’t know. I’ve found the telling to be excruciating.

My mom took the kids after the banquet on Saturday, and they spent the night with her and stayed with her till Sunday night. I had intended to catch up on some of the housework and schoolwork that I had gotten so behind in, but, instead, I went to sleep. I slept all day Sunday. I think I may have been awake for about two hours the whole day, and then maybe an hour and a half before going to bed when Chris and the kids came home. Amy wins best friend of the whole universe award for calling me yesterday morning and forcing me to wake up and get off the couch. I was trying my best not to, but Amy knew I had a test that had to be taken by noon. She even dealt with me getting a little mad at her for it.

I caught a break yesterday when my professor had put the date in wrong, and the test, which was supposed to be open till noon, had been closed at midnight. I emailed her, and she opened the test up until noon today. I had been planning on taking the test having not read any of the material. The class is online, and the tests are untimed and open book. I was going to just do my best, having not read any of the four textbook chapters the exam covered. With the extra time, I read all four chapters over the course of the day, and took the exam last night. Even after reading the chapters, I still only made an 89. I’m so thankful for the extra time. Next up is a paper for Western Civ. It was due last week, but my professor gave me mercy in regards to my situation. I need to get it written quickly, though. I have absolutely zero desire to do so.

I’m kind of a mess. Emotionally, I’m very up and down. I can go from feeling very normal and somewhat happy to being completely sad and upset the next. Physically, most of the actual physical effects of the miscarriage have lessened or went away, but I have had a lot of intense leg pain. It drives me crazy. The drugging up Sunday that led me to sleep all day was largely due to the insane pain in my legs. They didn’t bother me much yesterday, but they are killing me today. I’ve also been sick to my stomach for the past two days. I feel pretty yucky right now.

One of the hardest parts of this whole thing is that the rest of the world has the audacity to keep on living. I really just needed everything to come to a grinding halt and let me sleep for a week and get better. Instead, Chris has to keep going to work, the kids keep on needing cared for, my schoolwork keeps on needing turned in, and, apparently, the house keeps on generating mess, just on an accelerated schedule. It’s all overwhelming. I need everything to just stop and give me a few days. I cleaned the main living areas of the house Saturday before my mom came to get the kids, and it was clean until they got home Sunday night. Yesterday, while I did schoolwork all day, they made quite the mess. Today, I could get caught up on more schoolwork or clean up a bit, but there is no way I can do both. Honestly, I have no desire to do either, and I feel quite incapable of doing anything but lying on the couch. I feel so sick.

I am so very thankful that this semester is almost over. I only have like three weeks left. I am taking the summer off, and I intend to relax and enjoy it. Next semester, I don’t know what I will take. Chris will still be in school, and I will be, for the first time, homeschooling Kyra, so I don’t intend to overload myself with my own schoolwork. For the summer, though, we will take it easy.

I think I need a break.

Things have been quiet here at Nothing Gold recently. I’m sure you’ve noticed. I have been busy, as usual, but I’ve had a lot of heavy stuff going on in my life, as well. It’s hard to write family update stuff…or post random pictures…or whatever else when life gets particularly complicated. It’s hard to write about trivial stuff, when you’re trying not to reveal things that make you feel vulnerable. So, I’ve decided that I should just quit trying. Transparency is a big deal to me. My posts from this past summer show that. I really do believe that God can work in our transparency. So, I guess this post is about what has been going on during the silence here on my blog.

Life really has been busy. Chris spent a week in Albuquerque for work, and I took a trip to Springfield to visit Amy a couple of weeks ago. I’ll post later about my trip, for those of you who care. Elijah had a birthday. I can’t believe he’s four already. We had a small party for him the Saturday before Chris and I left on our trips. I’ll post a separate post with birthday photos, as well. The kids are all doing well. Owen’ s talking more, and my days are filled with his, “Mama? Mama!”. Kyra’s reading now, and doing well in school. They are most happy when they are all playing together. I’m so blessed.

The day before I left on my trip to Springfield, I got a horrible phone call. I’ll not go into all of the details in this public forum, but one of my little brothers almost died. It was a horrid day. I got a phone call from my mom. She was crying. My brother, Jason, who is stationed in another state, was missing. No one knew where he was. When they found him, he was almost dead. They said two more minutes and he would have been gone. I took the kids to my mother-in-law’s, and then went to my mom’s house. Everyone was upset, obviously. Me and my sister-in-law went to pick my youngest brother up at school, and I had to tell him about Jason. It was kind of heartbreaking. For any of you who have dealt with suicide/attempted suicide, I’m sure you can imagine the wide range of emotions. This whole situation kind of consumed our whole family for a while. My brother is alive, though, and getting the help that he needs. For that, I am thankful. I wish you would all pray for him. He is a Marine, and he served in Iraq about a year or so ago. For any of you who know him and would like to send him a card, send me an email, and I will get the address to you. I know it would mean a lot to him to know you care.

Two days after I came home from Springfield, I got up on Easter morning, and took a pregnancy test. I was so excited. It was positive. It wasn’t long, though, before I realized that something wasn’t right. I went to the doctor on Monday, and he told me it looked like I was having a miscarriage. I went back on Thursday to have more blood work done. My levels had went up, but not enough for the doctor to be very optimistic. I went back today to have my levels checked again. I should find out the results tomorrow.

The not knowing has been really hard on me. I have been up and down…mourning and hoping…not really sure what is going on. I already love this baby so much, but I’m not even sure if the baby is still here. It’s really hard not knowing.

So, in the silence on the blog, I’ve been wrestling with a lot of things. Not sure what I wanted people to know, and what made me too vulnerable. I’m not the kind of person, though, who’s good at keeping quiet about things that affect me so greatly. I am kind of an open book, for the most part. Until the last day or two, I’ve only told a few close friends who were praying with me. I decided last night, though, that if I am truly going to be transparent on this blog, in a way that people could feel connected with me, I can’t stay silent about such a huge thing in my life. I have run the gamut of emotions since last Sunday. I have been desperately, heartbreakingly sad, angry at God for letting me go through this, hurt at God that He would possibly take my baby from me, repentant over those feelings, hopeful that my baby is still here, and back and forth, so forth and so on. It’s exhausting. I pretty much spent last week sleeping. On Saturday, I finally found a measure of peace. If I am to go through this, regardless of the outcome, I want to glorify God. If there is a lesson to be learned, I want to learn it. If there is someone to be helped in the future by my experience, well, even when I really don’t want to go through it for the sake of being able to minister in the future, I can see that I would probably consider it worth it down the road. I’m not really there yet, to be honest, but I am able to see that someday I will be.

Regardless of what happens, I know that God is with me. Even when I can’t feel his presence, I know that He is still with me, because He has promised to never leave me or forsake me. He will get me through this. I will be okay.

I guess this excerpt from an email I sent to my friends who have been praying with me says it best:

I just wanted to thank you all for your prayers for me and my little one. I’m doing okay. Yesterday evening/night was hard. I tried to journal…tried to pray…cried some. I felt very alone. Chris was at work, Amy’s not here, and all of you guys are so far away. I was in a sad, sad state. Today, though, I’m doing better. Amy and I prayed a long time this morning, and it has really helped. I’ve had a hard time feeling God through all of this, but He met with me today. I feel like I’m okay now, whatever the outcome. Chris prayed with me yesterday before we went to the u/s, and reminded me that God knew the end before we knew the beginning. He knows how much I want this baby, and, if He takes…or has already taken…my baby to Heaven, well, I know He’ll be with me. Chris read a psalm to me in the waiting room at the hospital yesterday…Psalm 77…told me about how the Psalm writer felt like God wasn’t with him and didn’t hear his cries, how he started to think maybe God was never there, how he then began to remember what God had done for him and brought him through, and then how he began to praise God. It really meant a lot to me. That’s where I’ve been. I’ve felt like God wasn’t with me and didn’t care what I was going through, but then I began to remember all the things he’s brought me through and all the things he’s done for me in the past year, and I have to trust that He has a plan. Obviously, I still want my baby and I’m clinging to the hope that the baby’s still alive, but I know that, even if God’s answer is no, He will hold me up. My attitude has changed dramatically. I want to honor God in this. Thank you ladies for praying for me. For encouraging me to keep the faith and turn to God. I’m going to do that. I want him to be glorified in my pain. If I have to go through this, I want God to somehow use it. I was reminded of a video that has really challenged me in the past. It helped me to watch it today. I want God to be glorified.

Here is the video that I mentioned in the email:

I write this scattered post and insert the section from my email just to show where I am. Where I’ve been. I don’t know how much I’ll want to write about this in the future, but I needed to at least explain what has happened and where I’m coming from. I get results from today’s blood work sometime tomorrow. I would appreciate your prayers. I still have hope.I don’t know what the end result of all of this is. Several people have prayed that God would grow me through this. I’m sure that some sort of growth is inevitable, if I resist the urge to hide under the covers and not deal with it. Hopefully, I’ll be able to share my journey with you, and maybe it will mean something to someone. Above all, I want God to be glorified.

Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

For I, the Lord your God,
hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Fear not,
I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13

I promised you guys a post about forgiveness about a month ago. I had a whole series of posts planned, and was fleshing them out as I got to each topic. The true burden on my heart was to write about freedom, but there were at least three others after it. Once I wrote and published “Freedom”, though, the burden to write the others was lifted. I guess that was because, for me, forgiveness has been a journey, and there was more I needed to learn before I wrote about it. I find myself here, now, with a burden to write what God has taught me.

This past summer, I was actively seeking after God. I was so thirsty. I needed Him to fill me, because I was running on empty. It seemed like I could only get so far, though. I was running up against a wall. A wall between me and God. A wall of unforgiveness. I built this wall, block by block, over many years. With each thing that hurt me, I grew more bitter toward the one who hurt me…more defensive…and built a wall around my heart. I would pray for God to heal my heart, and He would ask me to take down the wall. This wall had stood between me and God for most of my Christian life. My unwillingness to get rid of it had kept me from growing as a Christian. I felt entitled to my hurt. Justified in my sin.

Day after day, I would pray for God to change me, to fill me, and to heal my heart. I knew, though, that I was holding on to this unforgiveness. I tried to push it to the back of my mind, and get around it some other way. It was there, though. I had to decide what was more important to me…guarding my heart or obeying God. It was so hard. I spent an inordinate amount of time remembering and replaying every little hurt I was holding on to…every way I had been done wrong…defending my right to keep the wall I had built. I felt like if I forgave then I would have to forget, and I knew I could not forget. It was not a matter of forgiving and forgetting, though, but forgiving because I was commanded to. Because I had been forgiven.

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15

I told God that night that I would forgive the person who had hurt me, not because I wanted to, but because He had forgiven me. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but, the very next night, I went to this person and told them I forgave them. I didn’t know what kind of reaction to expect, but the one I received was not what I expected. They didn’t know what I was talking about. I must admit, this hurt.

When I told Amy about what happened, she said something that I will never forget. I actually wrote it in my Bible, so as to never forget it.

“You know… Jesus experiences that pain daily. He offers His forgiveness and humanity looks at Him blankly and says, “What for?”…not knowing how much they have hurt him.”

That quote struck my heart and forever changed the way I think about the subject of forgiveness. It was yet another example of the fact that no matter what pain or hurt or injustice we feel, Jesus has experienced it before us, and He can perfectly comfort us.

It wasn’t received in the way I hoped or expected, but I did what He asked of me. A weight was lifted. I understood that the unforgiveness was no burden on the one I chose not to forgive, but a burden that I alone knew about and carried. Since then, I have had to remind myself many times that I have forgiven, and ask the Lord to again forgive me.

I thought that was the end of my lesson about forgiveness. I was going to write this post, and wrap it up neatly right about here. I just couldn’t seem to write it, though. I believe it was because I had only learned the first part of my lesson. He had more to teach me.

In recent days, as recent as the last several days, I’ve learned that, not only do I need to offer His forgiveness to those around me, but I need to forgive myself. When things get stressful, my first response is to run back to those old habits. I condemn myself. I tell myself that I should be over this by now. I told the whole world that I am free, so why have I returned to my chains…picking them up, wrapping them around me, checking to see if they still fit. It’s a cycle of guilt. I was reminded, though, that I am His, and there is no condemnation in Him.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

He offers forgiveness. He offers strength. I try to do it on my own, and then condemn myself when I fail. The truth of the matter, though, is that I cannot do this on my own. He doesn’t even expect me to. So, when I confess my weakness to him, He doesn’t say, “I already forgave you. You should be over this by now.” No. He says, “I forgive you. I don’t condemn you.” I have learned that I must forgive myself. I can’t continuously beat myself up, telling myself how worthless I am, because He does not condemn me. When God looks at me, He sees Jesus. I cannot live in self condemnation, but I must accept His forgiveness and walk in the knowledge that I can freely accept the pardon He offers and try again.

Forgiveness is not always a one time thing. Sometimes, we are required to forgive over and over. How many times can someone hurt me, though, and I still be required to forgive them.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?”

Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22

Doesn’t leave much room to wonder, does it? Whether it is another person or myself who slights me, I must forgive. It’s not optional. It is, however, incredibly freeing.

The last few days have left me hurt and sad. I don’t want my blog to be a battleground, but I want it, in everything, to glorify Jesus. So, if nothing more can be accomplished from the dialog between two sides of a viewpoint, let us learn a lesson about forgiveness. Let us forgive those who hurt us. Let us offer our forgiveness even if they look at us blankly and say, “What for?” feeling they are totally justified in what they said or did. Let us forgive ourselves for being but weak flesh. Let us fall on Jesus and ask Him to use this conversation and these words that may have hurt instead of edified to teach us something. Let us love one another. Let us offer forgiveness and grace all around, because how could we not after He has so graciously offered it to us? Let us seek to grow and honor Him in everything we say and do, even if it’s in an ambiguous Internet world, because, even here, we bear the name of Christ. Let us not disappoint Him in the way we treat our brothers and sisters. Let us love as He loved.

Oh, Lord, let it be so!