In my favorite poem by Robert Frost, Nothing Gold Can Stay, he reminds us that like the seasons of nature, life is one season melting into another, and quickly fading away. This is my attempt to document each season in my life and my family.

Back on the Crazy Couch

Filed under: Faith,Me,Music,Videos — Rachel at 10:42 pm on Monday, August 5, 2013

I am determined to write tonight, but it’s so hard to focus on one thing to write about. There is an overabundance of ideas swirling around in my head. I need to just snatch one out and decide to start with it.

Ok. Here goes…

I went to see my therapist last week for the first time in well over a year. I really appreciated all the time I spent sitting in Dr. P’s office. She was just the right counselor for me. She helped me work through a lot of issues over the span of a couple of years. I hated not being able to go to counseling anymore after I got divorced and lost my insurance, but I was really so much better off than when I started. I was just grateful that I was able to talk to her during my divorce. Going to see her last week was a huge deal. I recently got health insurance again. (It was required to be in the nursing program.) It actually went into effect on the day I saw Dr. P, but it isn’t the best insurance and doesn’t cover mental health. So, I had to suck it up and pay out of pocket to talk with her. I really needed help getting some clarity, though.

I don’t know what I wanted Dr. P to tell me when I was there, but I know I was hoping for something concrete. I had been struggling so much with everything that I had been dealing with recently. My relationships were dreadfully confusing. Both my relationship with Amy and a new relationship with a guy I had been dating had me running around in mental circles. I sat down on Dr. P’s couch and started recapping the last year and a half as quickly as I could. I filled her in on the year Amy and I were a couple, our breakup, my dating experiences with the three different guys I had went out with, and the way my world reacted to all of those things. I told her I needed help figuring things out. I was very confused.

She told me one thing right off the bat: I make things into a bigger deal than they actually are. Guilty. I know it’s true.

We talked back and forth for a while about why I felt the way I did about certain issues. I told her my problems with church and God. I told her about things that had happened to me while I was with Amy, and the hurt that came with those things. I tried very hard to make it clear to her what I was dealing with.

Then she told me what she thought I needed to do. She told me the one thing I didn’t want to hear. She told me that I need to find my faith again, I need to pray, and I need to accept that God loves me. I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted her to give me some simple steps that I could take to make my life better.

Some of you with deeper faiths than mine are probably thinking, “What’s so hard about praying?” I don’t know how well I could explain it to you, but it’s something I struggle with. I think I spend too much time in my head. I analyze things to death. I over-think them. I have been accused twice in the last week of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. That is probably true to some extent. I just feel like I have been misled so much in my life, and I don’t trust anyone or anything. I am a skeptic. If I were Catholic, my patron saint would probably be Doubting Thomas.

I don’t have a pretty bow to put on this post yet. I am pretty much in the same spot I was when she gave me the advice. I feel like what she told me I needed to do was good advice. I need to reconnect with God and feel his presence in my life. I’m still struggling to work that out. As some sort of confirmation to me that she had pointed me toward the right path, when I got into my car to leave, I turned on the radio and the song that was playing was “Pray” by Sanctus Real. It reminded me of when Amy and I were first friends and every song that came on just happened to say exactly what I needed to hear. Amy and I called it “The Divine D.J.”.

Maybe I should just call this an introductory post. I have much more to say on the topic, and so much to discover. I don’t know where I’m going to end up, but you’re welcome to come along for the ride.

 

 

Top Five: Favorite Songs (right now)

Filed under: Music,My Top 5,Videos — Rachel at 6:10 pm on Tuesday, November 8, 2011

These are the songs I’m loving right now. Check them out!

1.
Outcast by Kerrie Roberts

2.
I Am New by Jason Gray

3.
Be Ok by Ingrid Michaelson

4.
Move by Mercy Me

5.
Be My Escape by Relient K

Tenth Avenue North

Filed under: Music,Videos — Rachel at 1:58 pm on Tuesday, November 25, 2008

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I absolutely love the new album by Tenth Avenue North. Every song on this album speaks to me and has meant so much to me. I’ve pretty much listened to nothing else for the last two weeks. It’s awesome.

All My Heart

Filed under: Love,Me,Music,Videos — Rachel at 1:10 am on Sunday, December 16, 2007

Last night, I went to a ladies Christmas dinner at church. I was undecided about whether to go or not for several weeks. I wasn’t sure if I would have someone to watch the kids, I was afraid maybe I would end up sitting with people I didn’t know, and I procrastinated paying my part and committing myself to go. After several people encouraged me to come, I decided to go. I’m so glad I did. Not only did I have lots of fun and really enjoy the fellowship with the other ladies, but I was really very blessed by being there.

The special speaker for the evening was Mrs. Paula Hodges. She spoke to us about loving the Lord with all of our hearts. She recounted some of her experiences working on the mission field in the Dominican Republic, and she told of working with children in a Christian school. She told us a story about singing to her class to settle them down for the Bible hour. She said she was singing the lyrics, “I love you, Lord, with all my heart”, and, each time she sang the words, she heard the Lord asking, “Do you really?” As she spoke to us, I heard the Lord asking me, “Do you really?” Mrs. Hodges challenged us to love the Lord with all our hearts. She challenged us to serve him in 2008…to do more for Him than we did this year. She also expressed to us the need to teach our children to love Him. I can’t express to you how much this message gripped my heart. It was for me. If no one else got anything from what she said, I did.

Her text for the night was from Deuteronomy 6:5-7 :

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

Friends, my heart is challenged. I want to love the Lord with all of my heart. Mrs. Hodges pointed out that if we truly loved Him with all of our hearts, we would do anything He asked us to do. I want to present myself to God as a holy and acceptable sacrifice. I want to offer myself to Him to use anyway He wants to use me. I want to serve Him because I love Him. I want to love Him more than I do now. I want to teach my children to love Him. I think, a lot of times, we teach them to fear Him, to obey Him, but I don’t know that I’ve been teaching my kids to love Him.

I truly desire to do more for God in 2008. I want to serve Him. I want to love Him with all my heart. I want to teach my children to love Him. He’s so good to me. He has given me an unspeakable treasure in the three beautiful children He’s blessed me with. I don’t want to take that for granted. I want to raise them to be servants of God who follow Him and serve Him out of a passionate love for Him.

I want to love Him with all my heart.

King of Glory

Filed under: Music — Rachel at 9:42 am on Thursday, August 16, 2007

Trying out a new music feature that I hope will work for me. There are so many songs that I’ve been listening to lately that I would love to share with you guys. This song is by Third Day, and it gives me chills (I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s true.) every time I hear it.