Today was hard.

I was nervous about volunteering for so many reasons. Not the least of which was my sensitivity to all things baby. My first task was to read through brochures they keep on hand…to be familiar with them. As if I’m not familiar enough with the stages of pregnancy. As if I don’t now what a nine week baby looks like. As if I don’t know what I lost. I tried to go somewhere else in my mind while I read the text and looked at the beautiful, agonizing images.

I lost so much.

It was hard to exchange pleasantries with S, when my eyes kept returning to her growing belly. I was two weeks behind her. I should look like that. She already knew the sex of her baby. Would I know by now? This baby was my fourth. I would have felt her kick by now.

I would have put off volunteering for longer if M hadn’t of contacted me. I was secretly hoping to not have to face it until I was pregnant. I wanted to say, “yeah, it was hard, but I’m ok…God has given me a new baby”. I wanted it to not hurt so badly. I wanted to not have to be jealous.

It’s so much sometimes. Lately, it’s been so much better. I go two or three days on end without even being sad about it. Then, out of the midnight side of blue, it hits me. An appointment card in the car…a pregnant lady in the store…a memory…a scent…and I’m reeling from the kick in the gut that I wasn’t expecting. Waves of sorrow that I thought had long receded. So hard and strong and inviting. I want to wade into them and lie down.

But they are waves, and, as surely as they come, they eventually retreat.

I survive, but they leave their mark. I know they’ve been there. My heart feels different. Lighter and heavier. Imprisoned and free. I wanted my baby so badly. I prayed for her. I begged for her.

I miss her.

Things have been quiet here at Nothing Gold recently. I’m sure you’ve noticed. I have been busy, as usual, but I’ve had a lot of heavy stuff going on in my life, as well. It’s hard to write family update stuff…or post random pictures…or whatever else when life gets particularly complicated. It’s hard to write about trivial stuff, when you’re trying not to reveal things that make you feel vulnerable. So, I’ve decided that I should just quit trying. Transparency is a big deal to me. My posts from this past summer show that. I really do believe that God can work in our transparency. So, I guess this post is about what has been going on during the silence here on my blog.

Life really has been busy. Chris spent a week in Albuquerque for work, and I took a trip to Springfield to visit Amy a couple of weeks ago. I’ll post later about my trip, for those of you who care. Elijah had a birthday. I can’t believe he’s four already. We had a small party for him the Saturday before Chris and I left on our trips. I’ll post a separate post with birthday photos, as well. The kids are all doing well. Owen’ s talking more, and my days are filled with his, “Mama? Mama!”. Kyra’s reading now, and doing well in school. They are most happy when they are all playing together. I’m so blessed.

The day before I left on my trip to Springfield, I got a horrible phone call. I’ll not go into all of the details in this public forum, but one of my little brothers almost died. It was a horrid day. I got a phone call from my mom. She was crying. My brother, Jason, who is stationed in another state, was missing. No one knew where he was. When they found him, he was almost dead. They said two more minutes and he would have been gone. I took the kids to my mother-in-law’s, and then went to my mom’s house. Everyone was upset, obviously. Me and my sister-in-law went to pick my youngest brother up at school, and I had to tell him about Jason. It was kind of heartbreaking. For any of you who have dealt with suicide/attempted suicide, I’m sure you can imagine the wide range of emotions. This whole situation kind of consumed our whole family for a while. My brother is alive, though, and getting the help that he needs. For that, I am thankful. I wish you would all pray for him. He is a Marine, and he served in Iraq about a year or so ago. For any of you who know him and would like to send him a card, send me an email, and I will get the address to you. I know it would mean a lot to him to know you care.

Two days after I came home from Springfield, I got up on Easter morning, and took a pregnancy test. I was so excited. It was positive. It wasn’t long, though, before I realized that something wasn’t right. I went to the doctor on Monday, and he told me it looked like I was having a miscarriage. I went back on Thursday to have more blood work done. My levels had went up, but not enough for the doctor to be very optimistic. I went back today to have my levels checked again. I should find out the results tomorrow.

The not knowing has been really hard on me. I have been up and down…mourning and hoping…not really sure what is going on. I already love this baby so much, but I’m not even sure if the baby is still here. It’s really hard not knowing.

So, in the silence on the blog, I’ve been wrestling with a lot of things. Not sure what I wanted people to know, and what made me too vulnerable. I’m not the kind of person, though, who’s good at keeping quiet about things that affect me so greatly. I am kind of an open book, for the most part. Until the last day or two, I’ve only told a few close friends who were praying with me. I decided last night, though, that if I am truly going to be transparent on this blog, in a way that people could feel connected with me, I can’t stay silent about such a huge thing in my life. I have run the gamut of emotions since last Sunday. I have been desperately, heartbreakingly sad, angry at God for letting me go through this, hurt at God that He would possibly take my baby from me, repentant over those feelings, hopeful that my baby is still here, and back and forth, so forth and so on. It’s exhausting. I pretty much spent last week sleeping. On Saturday, I finally found a measure of peace. If I am to go through this, regardless of the outcome, I want to glorify God. If there is a lesson to be learned, I want to learn it. If there is someone to be helped in the future by my experience, well, even when I really don’t want to go through it for the sake of being able to minister in the future, I can see that I would probably consider it worth it down the road. I’m not really there yet, to be honest, but I am able to see that someday I will be.

Regardless of what happens, I know that God is with me. Even when I can’t feel his presence, I know that He is still with me, because He has promised to never leave me or forsake me. He will get me through this. I will be okay.

I guess this excerpt from an email I sent to my friends who have been praying with me says it best:

I just wanted to thank you all for your prayers for me and my little one. I’m doing okay. Yesterday evening/night was hard. I tried to journal…tried to pray…cried some. I felt very alone. Chris was at work, Amy’s not here, and all of you guys are so far away. I was in a sad, sad state. Today, though, I’m doing better. Amy and I prayed a long time this morning, and it has really helped. I’ve had a hard time feeling God through all of this, but He met with me today. I feel like I’m okay now, whatever the outcome. Chris prayed with me yesterday before we went to the u/s, and reminded me that God knew the end before we knew the beginning. He knows how much I want this baby, and, if He takes…or has already taken…my baby to Heaven, well, I know He’ll be with me. Chris read a psalm to me in the waiting room at the hospital yesterday…Psalm 77…told me about how the Psalm writer felt like God wasn’t with him and didn’t hear his cries, how he started to think maybe God was never there, how he then began to remember what God had done for him and brought him through, and then how he began to praise God. It really meant a lot to me. That’s where I’ve been. I’ve felt like God wasn’t with me and didn’t care what I was going through, but then I began to remember all the things he’s brought me through and all the things he’s done for me in the past year, and I have to trust that He has a plan. Obviously, I still want my baby and I’m clinging to the hope that the baby’s still alive, but I know that, even if God’s answer is no, He will hold me up. My attitude has changed dramatically. I want to honor God in this. Thank you ladies for praying for me. For encouraging me to keep the faith and turn to God. I’m going to do that. I want him to be glorified in my pain. If I have to go through this, I want God to somehow use it. I was reminded of a video that has really challenged me in the past. It helped me to watch it today. I want God to be glorified.

Here is the video that I mentioned in the email:

I write this scattered post and insert the section from my email just to show where I am. Where I’ve been. I don’t know how much I’ll want to write about this in the future, but I needed to at least explain what has happened and where I’m coming from. I get results from today’s blood work sometime tomorrow. I would appreciate your prayers. I still have hope.I don’t know what the end result of all of this is. Several people have prayed that God would grow me through this. I’m sure that some sort of growth is inevitable, if I resist the urge to hide under the covers and not deal with it. Hopefully, I’ll be able to share my journey with you, and maybe it will mean something to someone. Above all, I want God to be glorified.

Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

For I, the Lord your God,
hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Fear not,
I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13

 I took these pictures a couple of weeks ago. Was going to blog about being a college student slash mommy. It took me so long to get to it, I forgot what I was going to write. So, instead, here’s some pictures.

This is where I spend  half my time…at the kitchen table, the laptop in front of me, and my books (which you can’t see in the photo..trust me, they’re there) open on the table.

See, this is what I was looking at. Textbook, study notes, and my index card of handwritten notes I was allowed to take with me to my Western Civ Exam. 

This is the baby who interrupts my understanding of Social Darwinism. 

I would rather socialize with a huggy baby boy than study socialism any day. 

This is the shaggy-headed little boy who needed help putting his mittens on. I don’t know why. He wanted to hug me before he left. As you can see, Owen took issue with that.  

This is the thoughtful little girl who sits across the table doing her own projects.

So, tell me, Friend…is it any surprise to you that I got a B instead of an A on that exam?

Priorities…I guess that’s my point.

…but I’ve seen Amy cuddling up to another man.

I just got back from eight fun-filled days in Springfield, Missouri. Woohoo, right? Seriously. The kids and I went to visit Amy and her kids for a week or so. The ten hour trip there was uneventful. The kids were great. They’re awesome travelers. We made it there by one thirty central time. We left at five a.m., and we only had to stop three times.

Most of our days were pretty low key, but we had tons of fun being together. It’s always interesting to see how our kids are going to react to each other. In the past, Jeremiah and Kyra have played together more than any of them. This time, however, Jeremiah and Elijah decided to be best buddies. They spent the whole time locking the girls out of their “Elijah and Jeremiah Club”. It was nice to see them actually getting along with each other. They slept in Jer’s top bunk most every night, and were usually still awake talking when the rest of us went to bed.

The girls didn’t get along quite as well, but they did have their moments of playing well together.

On, I think, the second day we were there, we went grocery shopping and to Target. Why am I telling you this? Because it was fun, and we have pictures.

That’s a cartload of babies, huh?

Our friend, Aimee met us at Target, and then we went home and made quesadillas.

Aimee and Amy cooking and talking. I don’t remember what they were talking about, but I love the look on Aimee’s face.

Our friend, Joy, came over, too. The kids all love Joy, but I think Kyra is especially enamored with her.

We sat around the kitchen table talking till after midnight. It was really nice. I wish I lived closer. I could get used to hanging out with friends.

Amy had class on Monday morning and all day Tuesday, and her kids had school all week. So, a lot of my time was spent taking and picking up kids from school, cleaning up their messes, and fixing a bajillion cups of chocolate milk. Five kids go through a lot of milk. I was really happy to actually get to be of practical help to Amy…watching Sarah and taking her to school when the babysitter unexpectedly couldn’t, etc. Living so far away, I can never do the kind of things that best friends do. I wish I could be helpful more often.

We had a donut party one day, but other than this one photo…I’m going to make a new post later with all our donut pics and video. They’re really cute.

We were supposed to leave on Friday morning, but we hit a little hangup. The night before, on the way to Bible study, my tire was low. We aired it up, and were going to check it in the morning. So, Friday morning, I was gonna leave at six, but I ended up sleeping later and getting up at six. I went outside in the freezing cold to check my tire, and it looked like it could be a tad low but not much. So, I got ready, packed up our stuff, and went to load the van. When I went out there, at about nine, the tire was completely flat. I had to call a tow service to come change my tire for me, and then we took it to the tire store to get it fixed. It had a nail in it. It was the grace of God, though, that I slept later, and we weren’t on the road when the tire went flat. That would have really rained on my parade. Especially if it blew out on me.

These are some pictures from our wait at the tire shop. They’re fun.

Hugging my boy.

Biting my boy.

My bitten boy.

Our beautiful girls, waiting patiently.

After we go the tire fixed, we went out for pizza for lunch, and decided it was too late to head to Tennessee, so we were staying another night. We then picked Jeremiah up from school, went to Honey Heaven (a honey store that had a hive of real bees that we looked at and honey sticks that we ate), and went to the Army Surplus store. We were looking for an old school Army pt jacket. Chris lost his, and I wanted one. Amy had one that used to be Joel’s that I was coveting. Anyway, while we were there, we had fun trying on silly hats.

I think we’ll all agree on who was the cutest.

After the crazy Army Surplus fun, we went to get Andy’s Frozen Custard. Apparently, it’s a must if you’re in Springfield. It was delicious. After that, we ordered sushi. I wasn’t the only one who tried sushi for the first time.

Sushi is good. I think it’s my new favorite. Seriously. I had it for dinner last night, and then ate it for breakfast at four thirty this morning, and then I had some more on the drive home since my amazing friend packed me a little cooler of it. She really does make my life better…breakfast burritos and sushi are enough to warrant a lifelong friendship, no?

I so enjoyed my trip. It’s always good to be with my friend. To go to church and worship with her, to sing along to the song playing while we wait to pick up a kid from school, to eat sushi in her living room floor…no matter what we’re doing, it’s fun. I treasure each moment that I get to spend with Amy and her kids.

She made me laugh right before she took the picture.

Craziness. We have so much fun together.

I don’t look so great in this photo, but Amy looks so pretty I had to post it.

I love my friend. I miss her already.

Here’s to hoping that our next visit is just as awesome as this one was.

Last night, I went to a ladies Christmas dinner at church. I was undecided about whether to go or not for several weeks. I wasn’t sure if I would have someone to watch the kids, I was afraid maybe I would end up sitting with people I didn’t know, and I procrastinated paying my part and committing myself to go. After several people encouraged me to come, I decided to go. I’m so glad I did. Not only did I have lots of fun and really enjoy the fellowship with the other ladies, but I was really very blessed by being there.

The special speaker for the evening was Mrs. Paula Hodges. She spoke to us about loving the Lord with all of our hearts. She recounted some of her experiences working on the mission field in the Dominican Republic, and she told of working with children in a Christian school. She told us a story about singing to her class to settle them down for the Bible hour. She said she was singing the lyrics, “I love you, Lord, with all my heart”, and, each time she sang the words, she heard the Lord asking, “Do you really?” As she spoke to us, I heard the Lord asking me, “Do you really?” Mrs. Hodges challenged us to love the Lord with all our hearts. She challenged us to serve him in 2008…to do more for Him than we did this year. She also expressed to us the need to teach our children to love Him. I can’t express to you how much this message gripped my heart. It was for me. If no one else got anything from what she said, I did.

Her text for the night was from Deuteronomy 6:5-7 :

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

Friends, my heart is challenged. I want to love the Lord with all of my heart. Mrs. Hodges pointed out that if we truly loved Him with all of our hearts, we would do anything He asked us to do. I want to present myself to God as a holy and acceptable sacrifice. I want to offer myself to Him to use anyway He wants to use me. I want to serve Him because I love Him. I want to love Him more than I do now. I want to teach my children to love Him. I think, a lot of times, we teach them to fear Him, to obey Him, but I don’t know that I’ve been teaching my kids to love Him.

I truly desire to do more for God in 2008. I want to serve Him. I want to love Him with all my heart. I want to teach my children to love Him. He’s so good to me. He has given me an unspeakable treasure in the three beautiful children He’s blessed me with. I don’t want to take that for granted. I want to raise them to be servants of God who follow Him and serve Him out of a passionate love for Him.

I want to love Him with all my heart.

She just turned five, my forever friend. She’s smart and cute and side-splitting funny. She doesn’t like babies, my cooking, or soda, and if ever you yell at her it would break her heart. She meow’s like a kitty, and wears dresses just because she’s a princess. She’s not my daughter or even my niece, but I couldn’t love her more if she was. She calls me Aunt Rachel, and it gets me every time.

Her name is Sarah, or sometimes Daisy…it just depends on which way the sun shines. She’s my best friend’s daughter, and she stole my heart. I talk to her mom a dozen times a day, and she always asks to talk to me when she knows I’m on the phone. Sometimes she tells me stories or what her brother’s doing, and sometimes I just fill her mind with propaganda about how wonderful she is for helping her mom do the dishes. I had to laugh when she fought for the phone with her mom, and she giggled and told me her mom sometimes forgets that Sarah and I are friends forever.

Last night, I called on my way home from school. I talked to my little friend, and she said she had a secret. Her voice was hard to understand in her gaspy, childish whisper. It took two times before I got the message. The secret she shared, well, it broke my heart. “If you talk to my Daddy on the phone, tell him to come home.”

Tell him to come home.

Her daddy’s a soldier, deployed to Afghanistan. So very far from home.

My little friend is five years old. She doesn’t understand war or duty or patriotism. They’re just abstract ideas that mean her daddy’s far away.

I can’t fix her problem, though I wish I could. My heart aches for the sadness she feels. I imagine the call years down the road when I’ll try not to break down and cry. I imagine my friend will be not so little, but still my friend forever, when she says, “If you talk to my Mom on the phone, tell her to come home.”

See, her mom’s a soldier, too. A soon to be chaplain with a burden to tell soldiers about Jesus. A mom who loves her kids more than life itself, asked to leave them for a while to minister to those who need hope. What can I do, but listen and pray? Listen to a mom whose heart breaks over the dad who’s away. Listen to the girl who whispers her secret. Listen and promise that I’ll always be there to listen and pray and be a keeper of secrets.

Pray for this family who does this for you. For freedom and country and each other and you. For God and the Gospel and the knowledge that saves. They’re not nameless faces, but real hearts and tears. They’re not an exception in this military life. It’s par for the course, and it hurts every time.

Do what you can. Help where you can. Most of all pray, because you always can. Pray for my friend, and pray for her man. Pray for her boy. And, please, please, pray for my little forever friend.

As I’ve been watching Owen totter around this week, learning to walk, I’ve been thinking. God has really been working in my heart this week. I’ve began to really see Him as a loving Father.

I watch Owen stand himself up, get his balance, and take a few steps. He’s still learning how to do it. I know he’s going to fall eventually, but, as his parent, I’m just so proud of him for trying. When he falls, I tell him, “Good job, Owen!”, clap my hands to show my pride in him, and then stand him back up. Knowing, all the time, that he’s most likely going to fall this time, too. And I think of my Father, watching me take unsure steps…baby steps…toward Him. If I am proud of Owen, does He not feel the same way about me? Willing to be patient with me while I learn how to walk?
Sometimes, after Owen falls, he wants to just take off crawling. He knows he’s good at that. He’s been doing it for a while. It is comfortable and familiar. I know, though, that if he doesn’t learn to walk, he’ll never experience life the best way he can. Not learning to walk would limit his happiness. So, I stand him up again. I encourage him. When he falls and gets hurt, I comfort him. For he is my child, and I love him.