In my favorite poem by Robert Frost, Nothing Gold Can Stay, he reminds us that like the seasons of nature, life is one season melting into another, and quickly fading away. This is my attempt to document each season in my life and my family.

Uncertainty

Filed under: Bloody Depression,Loss,Love,Me — Rachel at 7:31 pm on Thursday, June 27, 2013

I wish I could be sure about decisions that I have to make. Especially the ones that really hurt.

Uncertainty is my kryptonite. When I have to decide to take some action I try to be logical. I try to weigh all the information. I go back and forth in my mind…on and on…ad nauseum. I try to think of all the alternatives. All the ways it could blow up in my face. I want to make sure that I am doing the right thing.

Sometimes, I feel like there is no right thing. I feel like there is no choice that has a truly good outcome. I try to minimize collateral damage. If it’s going to hurt me, sometimes that feels worth it. But if it’s going to hurt someone else, it’s really hard for me to decide to do something. Sometimes I hurt myself more because I’m afraid to make a decision I know I need to make, out of fear of hurting someone. And sometimes I make the decision, and they turn out just fine. And sometimes I’m surprised to find out that I am the one I’ve hurt the most.

I generally feel confidant about a big decision if I have made it as far as deciding and acting on it. Unfortunately, I often have a confidence crash a few days later. I doubt myself. I feel like I tried so hard and still ended up doing something stupid. Does this happen to anyone else? Am I the only one?

I’m drowning in uncertainty right now. I feel like I made a bad decision. I feel like I messed something good up. I feel like a misunderstood set of circumstances skewed my judgement. I tried so hard, but I still hurt myself in the process.

I just wish I could know. Really know what the best thing for me would be. I just want to be certain. Or at least mostly certain.

But I’m not.

An Open Letter to Everyone

Filed under: Family,Friends,General,Loss,Love,Me,Venting — Rachel at 12:33 pm on Monday, June 24, 2013

Life has taken such a drastic turn for me. I know I’ve shocked a lot of people. It has been a huge shock to my system, and I knew it was coming!

Amy and I broke up.

Wait. Just a minute. Let me tell you up front what I want you to say. If you are a friend or family member or just someone who has cared about me at some point in my life, you are supposed to say, “I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” It doesn’t matter if you liked us together. It doesn’t matter if you think it is weird, gross, or even a sin to be in a same-sex relationship. If you care about me, that is what you say. It’s not hard. It’s not complicated. It’s not saying that you aren’t filled with joy that my relationship ended, because I know some of you are. It is saying, “I am sorry that someone I care about is sad.”

Because I am. I am heartbroken. So is she. I may put on a brave face. I just smile at people’s jackassery and move on. Because I am strong. I don’t break when times are tough. But I am hurting, people, and the jokes and the snide comments don’t make me feel loved. They do the exact opposite, and I don’t need that right now, to be quite honest with you.

Amy is still my best friend. We are still going to live together and be roommates. We still love each other dearly. The only reason we broke up is because I’m not gay. I know that’s not a newsflash for a lot of people. I thought we could make it work without that piece of the compatibility puzzle, but it was becoming more of an issue as time went on. So we decided to end the romantic part of our relationship to save the other parts. We didn’t fight. No one is mad at anyone. So, when you say mean stuff about her, I don’t feel validated. I just want to punch you in your face. When you make jokes about “getting rid of dead weight”, I want to castrate you with a cheese grater. Just shut up. You’re not funny.

The truth of the matter is that I would not have survived the last couple of years without her. I needed Amy, and she needed me. She got me through the worst time of my life. She gave me hope when I was hopeless. She held me when I cried. Held my hair when I was sick. Held my baby when I was working. She has shared the load. She has taken on the world with me, and we are doing okay. We never asked for your validation when we were together, and we don’t need your judgments or jokes now that we’re not. We have made it this far, and we will make it the rest of the way…wherever our journeys take us. I, for one, don’t regret our decision to try to make a life together. I regret that meanness and bigotry have hurt so much along the way. I regret that I couldn’t make it work. But I don’t regret the last year of my life.

So, for those of you who care about me…

Amy and I broke up.

I’m a stay at home mom….

Filed under: Family,Friends,Loss,Photos,School,Trips — Rachel at 4:40 pm on Saturday, December 13, 2008

who stays at home!!! Ahh…the freedom!

I seriously couldn’t be much more content with how things are going to be for a while. I finished my semester. I got A’s in both my classes. Yes, that means that I got an A in the Statistics course that has kept me half insane all semester. 🙂 I have 12 classes completed towards my Associate of Science degree (plus the two developmental algebra classes I had to take when I first started), and a 3.75 GPA. So, I’m halfway finished with my A.S. I think that’s a pretty good stopping place for now. I’ll take a nice long break to have my little girl and get things established with Elijah’s kindergarten, and then, hopefully, I will return to my education refreshed from a year or so off. For now, I’m quite content with where things stand. The way I see it, this is not a race. I have four babies to take care of and be with and enjoy, and I’m not worried about how long it takes me to finish school. I want to do what I can when I can while they’re growing up, and maybe I’ll be finished with school when they’re starting to leave home. That’s really the goal.

As much as I enjoy school, I’ve had a lot on my plate recently, and have really looked forward to a break. As soon as I finished up my semester, Chris kept the kids and let me go visit Amy for a few days. It was so good to get a break from absolutely everything, and, as always, so good to be with my best friend.

I really needed to have some time away. Monday was my due date for the baby I lost. It was kind of a hard day for me, and it helped to be with Amy on that day. She knows what it’s like, because she’s been there. That seems really important in these kinds of things. Knowing someone understands what you’re going through helps.

My sweet friend bought me these flowers. She was so kind to me on such a sad day.

I got home from Springfield late Thursday, refreshed and excited to be a true stay at home mom for a while. I have big plans for getting things done around the house and preparing for Abigail’s arrival. It’s going to be good.

Sorrow

Filed under: Loss,Love — Rachel at 11:29 am on Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Today was hard.

I was nervous about volunteering for so many reasons. Not the least of which was my sensitivity to all things baby. My first task was to read through brochures they keep on hand…to be familiar with them. As if I’m not familiar enough with the stages of pregnancy. As if I don’t now what a nine week baby looks like. As if I don’t know what I lost. I tried to go somewhere else in my mind while I read the text and looked at the beautiful, agonizing images.

I lost so much.

It was hard to exchange pleasantries with S, when my eyes kept returning to her growing belly. I was two weeks behind her. I should look like that. She already knew the sex of her baby. Would I know by now? This baby was my fourth. I would have felt her kick by now.

I would have put off volunteering for longer if M hadn’t of contacted me. I was secretly hoping to not have to face it until I was pregnant. I wanted to say, “yeah, it was hard, but I’m ok…God has given me a new baby”. I wanted it to not hurt so badly. I wanted to not have to be jealous.

It’s so much sometimes. Lately, it’s been so much better. I go two or three days on end without even being sad about it. Then, out of the midnight side of blue, it hits me. An appointment card in the car…a pregnant lady in the store…a memory…a scent…and I’m reeling from the kick in the gut that I wasn’t expecting. Waves of sorrow that I thought had long receded. So hard and strong and inviting. I want to wade into them and lie down.

But they are waves, and, as surely as they come, they eventually retreat.

I survive, but they leave their mark. I know they’ve been there. My heart feels different. Lighter and heavier. Imprisoned and free. I wanted my baby so badly. I prayed for her. I begged for her.

I miss her.