There have been times in my life that I knew pursuing truth would cause me emotional pain. I have literally asked Chris not to study subjects, because I knew that if he changed his mind about it…it was going to hurt. When Chris began studying KJV-onlyism, I asked him several times not to. I think I was even in tears one time. I had this niggling feeling that he was right to distrust that particular belief, but I just didn’t want to go there. I had counted the cost, and I was not courageous enough to risk it. Fortunately for me, Chris was. I am way more socially inclined than he is, and so that played a much larger factor in my willingness to pursue truth. I didn’t want to lose my circle of friends. I didn’t want people to think badly of me. I just wanted to fit in. Long story short, Chris studied and shared, we both changed our minds, and we were willingly ushered out of the circle. It was hard.

I remember very vividly Chris and I driving home, and him recounting a conversation that was meant to hasten our departure from the circle. I was in shock. I knew it was my fault, because I had outed our change in belief. I put Chris in a position where he had to defend my writings on my blog, and everyone knew that we were no longer one of them. We came home, and I leaned against the doorway in the kitchen. I remember sliding down the wall, burying my face in my knees, and crying over my loss. I remember weeping and asking Chris, “Do they not love me anymore?” Chris said, “Rachel, they still love you. We knew this would happen eventually.” I cried and cried, and mourned the loss.

Was it worth it? Definitely. To not go there…to not write about the difference…would mean living an inauthentic life. It was worth the loss of fitting in and belonging to a group of people that I loved to feel the peace of taking a step toward truth.

That first step was the hardest. That first announcement of, “I don’t fit in.” It was scary. It was depressing at first. People were hurt by my departure. People were angry at me. I had people writing me…leaving comments for me…calling my house and yelling at me and telling me my children would never get saved. It was a hard time. It was worth it to me, though.

The first step made the second step easier. The process of examining my belief system…taking out different theologies…turning them over, holding them up to the Light, and trying to discern whether or not I was right to believe them. I found out that I was going to have to make some changes to truly align with what the Holy Spirit was showing me. Don’t worry. I’ve not stepped away from orthodoxy. I’ve simply found myself in the place where I had nothing to lose if I had to do an about face. The changes were necessary, and I have grown. The studying of my husband and my own studying have whetted my appetite for Truth. I love theology. I love learning. I love that satisfaction when some abstract idea falls into place, and I finally understand something that had confused me. I love having the freedom to make my faith my own.

It discourages me when I feel like people I talk to are unwilling to pursue truth. I sometimes feel like people are so scared of losing their circle of friends…the place where they belong…that they don’t even want to look into a subject. Fear of finding out they’ve believed a lie or been misguided is stronger than their desire to pursue Truth no matter what the cost.

I think it’s a lot easier to step out of the safety of the familiar, out of the circle of your friends, and out of what you’ve always known, when the familiar is no longer safe, you find yourself outside the circle of friends, and you discover that everything you’ve always known isn’t necessarily right. It’s harder to just step out in faith in the pursuit of truth with nothing but courage and a desire for the Divine to spur you on. That takes a powerful trust in the Almighty.

It’s easy now for me…I’ve nothing left to fear losing. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

The last few years, I have been reading your blog, and when I first started, we had a ton in common. We were both at independent fundamental Baptist churches, we had children in ACE ( I think you used to have Kyra in one-maybe I am mistaken about that) schools, we stayed home with our kiddos, both wore skirts all the time, etc. etc… Now, we still have alot in common- (our ages, our kiddos, our mommyness moments) but alot has changed for you! I’ve witnessed alot in your life the last couple of years. Starting up your schooling again, going to a different church, your husband’s change in vocation, leaving behind alot of the fundamentalist ideas…so, I am just curious. What started it all? Do you still consider yourself an independent Baptist? I am not condemning your choices in any way, I am just curious about the journey that you have started on. Was there a defining moment when you decided you wanted to do things differently, or did it slowly happen?

I guess the question to answer first would be, “What started it all?”

About three and a half years ago, we were members of an Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB), King James Version (KJV) only church. This meant that the church believed that the KJV was the only translation of the Bible that was in fact the Word of God. They accept no other translations for English speaking people. Our church was pastored by a wonderful man who happened to preach quite often in many churches around the country about the KJV only doctrine. This meant that we heard it preached on a lot. Over time, Chris began to doubt the accuracy of this KJV only doctrine because of inconsistencies in the arguments that the proponents presented, and, because it was such a big deal in our church, he decided to study it for himself. When he informed me of his intentions, I actually tried to persuade him not to. I knew what the consequences would be if he came to the conclusion that it was a false doctrine.

Shortly after he began to look into it, we made the decision to leave the church that we attended to go to a like-minded church where my parents attended. This was actually the church that I grew up in, and the church that my parents attend. It was a much smaller church, and we went there with the hopes of having more opportunity to serve in the church. We really enjoyed going to this new church. The people there were wonderful, loving people who welcomed us with open arms. It was much like “going home” for me, since I grew up there. The pastor had been my youth pastor at the previous church, and I loved and admired him and his wife more than they probably knew. We quickly got involved in working at the church…I took over the janitor position until I got pregnant with Owen and wasn’t able to do it anymore, I took over being in charge of the nursery, I occasionally taught a children’s Sunday School class as a substitute, Chris built and ran a church website, and he took over the radio broadcast ministry. It seemed like such a good fit. It felt like family to me.

All during this transition time, Chris was studying the KJV only doctrine, and was sharing all of his studies with me. We had already sat under the teaching of the most well known teacher in our area of this doctrine for years, and Chris read many books both for and against it. I was very nervous about it during that time. It didn’t take much time, before the inconsistencies in the defense of KJV-onlyism  and the seeming poor logic began to become pretty apparent to me. While Chris was passionate about finding the truth about the matter, I wanted him to just let it be, because I didn’t want to have to leave our church and lose my friends. As Chris read sections of books to me, summarized them, and simply talked out the KJV only teachings, I began to see for myself, as much as I didn’t want to, that it just wasn’t adding up. While I was reluctant to admit to it out loud, I no longer believed the KJV only teaching.

Around this time, Chris went to our new pastor, and brought his concerns to him. He told him that he had been studying the subject, and he had some concerns about this teaching. The pastor suggested that Chris quit studying the matter, and just pray about it.  While Chris did pray about it, he also continued studying the matter. We eventually became fully convinced that KJV onlyism was not supported by Scripture, and we began to use other versions of the Bible for our own personal reading…mainly the English Standard Version (ESV).

For a while, this didn’t pose any problems for us, because we hadn’t told anyone of this change. In my own life, simply switching to a more modern translation was dramatically changing my Bible reading experience. Everything seemed so new and fresh…like I was reading all of the familiar stories and teachings for the first time. I really began to grow a lot during this time, and I felt the desire to share what was going on with me on my blog. I wrote a couple of devotional type posts, and then a series of posts about the things that God was doing for me.

The trouble came when I posted Bible verses on my blog from the ESV. It set in motion a series of events that changed my life. I posted the verses, one of my IFB friends read it and called me on the verses not being from the KJV, it became public that Chris and I were no longer KJV only, and some people were understandably upset. We were one of their own, and they saw us as straying from the truth. A few people asked questions or tried to point out in loving ways that I was in error, but an anonymous commenter left a comment on my blog, fearing for my spiritual well being, that prompted Chris to write a guest post on my blog explaining why we had left our KJV only position. You can read that post here, if you like. When this post came to our pastor’s attention, he was very upset with us. He felt that Chris’ explanation on my blog constituted teaching against church doctrines. When he and Chris discussed this at church one night, Chris told him that we were looking for a new church to attend, and he encouraged us to leave sooner rather than later or be in danger of church discipline. That was the last service we attended as members of that church.

I was very hurt by all of this, and, of course, felt responsible. I would find it a blessing at times, and a huge hurt at others. I vacillated between feeling abandoned and set free. I found myself completely separated from all I had ever known. We began attending Trinity Baptist Church, where we still attend. It was healing for me to go there. The people there have become family. They have embraced us, and allowed us to minister where we feel most called. While God was still greatly working in my heart and life, I didn’t blog about it as much, for fear of stirring up trouble again. I felt very disloyal to myself. It was hard to write about what was going on with me, because I was afraid of further offending people or hurting people. That is why there have been so many extended periods of silence on my blog. That is also the reason that the changes in my life over the last couple of years have been kind of mysterious to people who I don’t spend time with in real life. I haven’t talked about them or the reasons behind them, because I was afraid that the people in my life who do still hold to beliefs and standards that I have left behind would be upset with me. I was afraid that they would feel like my choices condemn their choices.

Only in recent days have I come to the conclusion that I cannot live my life this way. I cannot be true to myself and true to my understanding of my purpose in this world by muzzling myself. I believe that Christ came to set the captives free, and I believe that there are people in this world, like me, who have been held captive by religion. My whole world had to get shaken up for me to understand my freedom in Christ. I hope to write much, much more about this in the future.

That is what started it all… the basic story of how we left the IFB churches and KJV only movement that we had been associated  with. Now, I will try to answer the more detailed questions Cassandra asked.

Do we still consider ourselves Independent Baptists? Yes, we do. We attend an Independent Baptist church. However, we are not what many people consider to be Independent Fundamental Baptists. The IFB churches we used to be associated with are characterized by KJV onlyism, women only wearing skirts or dresses, no contemporary music, and separation from those who don’t also follow these beliefs. We now go to a church that is not KJV only, women can wear whatever they want to wear with the emphasis on modesty regardless of what type of clothing it is, and there is no issue made about what type of Christian music you choose to listen to.

My decision to abandon the skirts only practice was simply because I didn’t want to live that way anymore. I found absolutely no Biblical reason that I should continue the practice. I had grown up wearing only skirts, dresses, or culottes as a kid, until I was thirteen. When I was thirteen, my parents let me choose for myself, and I, without hesitation, chose to wear pants. I went back to skirts only when we joined a different church when I was fourteen, and all the other girls only wore skirts. I had the impression that it was really important to God, and that, if I wanted to be right with God and devoted to Him, I had to give up my blue jeans. As time went on, I became less and less happy with that choice. When we left our last church, I asked Chris to allow me to wear pants again. He didn’t want me to at first, because it was the final nail in the coffin. If his wife wore pants, people would certainly consider us to be not a part of their circle anymore. It would mean for sure that Chris would not be asked to preach for anyone, and it drew a definite line in the proverbial sand. I was tired of it, though, and I didn’t want to be different for different’s sake any longer. Buying my first pair of blue jeans in many years was a happy, happy day for me. I felt more like myself than I had in a very long time.

We still have a lot in common, Cassandra. Our daughter did attend the ACE school at our last church, and continued to go to school there for the rest of the year after we no longer attended church there. The reason she quit attending was not because we wanted her to, but because the school closed because most of the church families whose children attended the school put their kids in public school. There were not enough students left to keep the school open. This left us in a spot where we had to decide what to do for our kids. There is one other Christian school in our area that we considered, but it was considerably more expensive and would not be a feasible option financially once we had three children in school at the same time. What we chose to do was to continue using ACE curriculum and homeschool our kids. We stuck with ACE because I went through ACE from pre-school through graduation, and was comfortable with and had confidence in the curriculum.

I also still stay at home with our kids. I don’t have a job outside the home, nor do I intend to get one while our kids are at home. I do go to school, but took off this semester as well as last semester due to Abby joining our family and beginning kindergarten with Elijah. I needed to take time off for that.

More importantly, we both love Jesus. We both want to honor Him and glorify Him in our lives. We both seek to be Godly examples to our children. We both want to be witnesses to His saving grace and unending love. We are sisters in Christ, and I count you as my friend. Thank you, Cassandra, for just asking the questions, and giving me the opportunity to start a conversation that I have wanted to have for a long time.

If you hear a voice call out your name
Saying you can stop yourself from falling
And if he strikes you in his fear and shame
Well you can leave him to his ruin

If your dreams they wake you in the night
And your heart it is a pounding
If you cry out as you wake in your fright
And the wind it is a-howling

Maybe it’s time to find another place
Where nobody even knows your face
There is no need to be afraid
For it’s only freedom calling

If your tears begin to overflow
As you walk against the undertow
There is no need to be afraid
For it’s only freedom calling

If you’re sad ‘cause you’re all alone
And your hands they are a shaking
And your miracle cure’s not working anymore
And the flood bank’s close to breaking

Suddenly you’re on an open unknown road
Passing all the heavy, long wide loads
It is time to make your great escape
And you can hear your freedom calling

I want to dive into the sea of love
But my knees they are a quaking
I can see myself high up above
And there’s no time left for faking

I no longer need to understand
What it is to truly be a man
Only when I gave up on my masterplan
Did I then hear freedom calling

Did I then hear freedom calling

That was just over a week ago, but the pounding of my heart hasn’t left me. Something is calling my soul. It’s pulling me…drawing me…calling me. Freedom.