In my favorite poem by Robert Frost, Nothing Gold Can Stay, he reminds us that like the seasons of nature, life is one season melting into another, and quickly fading away. This is my attempt to document each season in my life and my family.

Ramblings

Filed under: Random Thoughts — Rachel at 11:08 am on Tuesday, April 8, 2008

I appreciate everyone’s comments to my last couple of posts. It means a lot. I mostly appreciate your prayers. I certainly need them.

The last few days have been hard. I think I’ve ran the gamut of emotions. I began really, physically miscarrying on Friday, and I was unprepared for the intense emotions that brought with it. Saturday was particularly hard, because I had to take the kids to their Awana banquet. I wanted to be in bed, not socializing at a church event. The kids really wanted to go, though, and Chris was working, so I had to take them. The hardest part was having to repeatedly tell people that I lost the baby. I kind of dropped the ball in updating people as to what had happened, and my wonderful church people didn’t know. I’ve found the telling to be excruciating.

My mom took the kids after the banquet on Saturday, and they spent the night with her and stayed with her till Sunday night. I had intended to catch up on some of the housework and schoolwork that I had gotten so behind in, but, instead, I went to sleep. I slept all day Sunday. I think I may have been awake for about two hours the whole day, and then maybe an hour and a half before going to bed when Chris and the kids came home. Amy wins best friend of the whole universe award for calling me yesterday morning and forcing me to wake up and get off the couch. I was trying my best not to, but Amy knew I had a test that had to be taken by noon. She even dealt with me getting a little mad at her for it.

I caught a break yesterday when my professor had put the date in wrong, and the test, which was supposed to be open till noon, had been closed at midnight. I emailed her, and she opened the test up until noon today. I had been planning on taking the test having not read any of the material. The class is online, and the tests are untimed and open book. I was going to just do my best, having not read any of the four textbook chapters the exam covered. With the extra time, I read all four chapters over the course of the day, and took the exam last night. Even after reading the chapters, I still only made an 89. I’m so thankful for the extra time. Next up is a paper for Western Civ. It was due last week, but my professor gave me mercy in regards to my situation. I need to get it written quickly, though. I have absolutely zero desire to do so.

I’m kind of a mess. Emotionally, I’m very up and down. I can go from feeling very normal and somewhat happy to being completely sad and upset the next. Physically, most of the actual physical effects of the miscarriage have lessened or went away, but I have had a lot of intense leg pain. It drives me crazy. The drugging up Sunday that led me to sleep all day was largely due to the insane pain in my legs. They didn’t bother me much yesterday, but they are killing me today. I’ve also been sick to my stomach for the past two days. I feel pretty yucky right now.

One of the hardest parts of this whole thing is that the rest of the world has the audacity to keep on living. I really just needed everything to come to a grinding halt and let me sleep for a week and get better. Instead, Chris has to keep going to work, the kids keep on needing cared for, my schoolwork keeps on needing turned in, and, apparently, the house keeps on generating mess, just on an accelerated schedule. It’s all overwhelming. I need everything to just stop and give me a few days. I cleaned the main living areas of the house Saturday before my mom came to get the kids, and it was clean until they got home Sunday night. Yesterday, while I did schoolwork all day, they made quite the mess. Today, I could get caught up on more schoolwork or clean up a bit, but there is no way I can do both. Honestly, I have no desire to do either, and I feel quite incapable of doing anything but lying on the couch. I feel so sick.

I am so very thankful that this semester is almost over. I only have like three weeks left. I am taking the summer off, and I intend to relax and enjoy it. Next semester, I don’t know what I will take. Chris will still be in school, and I will be, for the first time, homeschooling Kyra, so I don’t intend to overload myself with my own schoolwork. For the summer, though, we will take it easy.

I think I need a break.

16 Comments »

Comment by Debbie

April 8, 2008 @ 2:06 pm

Still praying for you…

Comment by Kalynne Pudner

April 8, 2008 @ 7:28 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. Been there, done that (six times), including once while in grad school. I remember going along like normal, especially first thing in the morning, and then remembering like an icy wave. It helped us to tell the other kids that they had a brother or sister in heaven to cheer us along and give us an occasional hand. And when the then-4 year old explained to a family friend, “We had a baby, but he went straight to heaven without having to live with all of us first,” it helped us to laugh.

You and your family are in my prayers.

Comment by Laura

April 8, 2008 @ 7:49 pm

I’m praying for you – that God will comfort you in ways only He can.

Comment by Amanda

April 8, 2008 @ 7:57 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 20 weeks in January, and like you said, it was comforting to hear from others who had been through it. I found lots of helpful (practical) information at http://www.pregnancyloss.info.

Comment by Tara R

April 8, 2008 @ 8:36 pm

I remember when I had my last miscarriage (I’ve had 4 and I have 3 live children) it happened early sunday morning and my husband (a minister) dropped me off at the hospital and took my two sons to church with him. After seeing the doctor a church lady picked me up and brought me to church. I REALLY didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be in bed. And I hated it that the world just kept on going like nothing had happened.

And it took my body and my emotions a LONG time to heal.

Miscarriages are horrible. I prayed for you today.

Comment by Greta

April 8, 2008 @ 8:45 pm

Dear Rachel,
I just found out about your miscarriage from mommylife. I have been praying so much for you. I was awake for many hours at night this weekend, and always prayed for you. I will continue to pray for your healing. I just want to say that I am so sorry for how your world has changed. I believe that God is our Great Physician because He can heal not only our bodies, but our hearts- in His timing.

Comment by Leanne

April 8, 2008 @ 10:00 pm

Rachel, I’m so sorry to read of your miscarriage. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Comment by Ceci

April 8, 2008 @ 10:48 pm

I have been praying for you after reading Barbara’s post a week ago on mommylife.net. I was praying for you earlier today and wondering what was happening in your life. I will continue to pray for you even now, and I wish I could give you a hug in person.

Comment by Beth/Mom2TwoVikings

April 9, 2008 @ 7:15 am

Just heard of your loss today via Barbara, just came to lend my support. Been there: wanted my angel so badly and lost her anyway. As always, God’s got a purpose. This is a refining fire. Stay strong. There are greater things ahead!

Comment by Brandy

April 9, 2008 @ 9:40 am

I’ve been praying for you and I’m so sorry for your loss. I pray you’ll find peace in the coming weeks.

Comment by Chrystal

April 9, 2008 @ 10:42 am

Prayers and hugs are being sent your way.

Comment by Andrea

April 9, 2008 @ 12:19 pm

I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I am praying for you!! I don’t know you, but I sure wish I could give you a big hug and help with some laundry 🙂

Andrea

Comment by Elizabeth M Thompson

April 9, 2008 @ 12:26 pm

Only God’s comfort can help you as you grieve the loss of your precious child. May you find his comfort more overwhelming than your pain, his peace more pervasive than your loss. I am praying for you, too.

Comment by Jami

April 9, 2008 @ 2:24 pm

I’m so sorry, Rachel. I’m still praying for you.

Comment by Elise

April 10, 2008 @ 10:11 am

Oh, friend. I’m so sorry I’ve missed all this- I could have been praying all along! I’ve just read through and caught up, and I want you to know that I’m praying right now, and will continue, for you will have good days and bad days- maybe for awhile. I wish I could hug you and pray with you in person, but please know that I send love, and I understand. I really do. Love those children, love that husband, and *be loved* by them- God is still in control. (((Rachel)))

Comment by gretchen from lifenut

April 10, 2008 @ 12:53 pm

I came here via Barbara too.

I am so, so sorry. It’s a heartache like no other. You are in my prayers.

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