In my favorite poem by Robert Frost, Nothing Gold Can Stay, he reminds us that like the seasons of nature, life is one season melting into another, and quickly fading away. This is my attempt to document each season in my life and my family.

In The Silence

Filed under: General,Love,Me,Prayer Request,Random Thoughts,Videos — Rachel at 5:34 pm on Monday, March 31, 2008

Things have been quiet here at Nothing Gold recently. I’m sure you’ve noticed. I have been busy, as usual, but I’ve had a lot of heavy stuff going on in my life, as well. It’s hard to write family update stuff…or post random pictures…or whatever else when life gets particularly complicated. It’s hard to write about trivial stuff, when you’re trying not to reveal things that make you feel vulnerable. So, I’ve decided that I should just quit trying. Transparency is a big deal to me. My posts from this past summer show that. I really do believe that God can work in our transparency. So, I guess this post is about what has been going on during the silence here on my blog.

Life really has been busy. Chris spent a week in Albuquerque for work, and I took a trip to Springfield to visit Amy a couple of weeks ago. I’ll post later about my trip, for those of you who care. Elijah had a birthday. I can’t believe he’s four already. We had a small party for him the Saturday before Chris and I left on our trips. I’ll post a separate post with birthday photos, as well. The kids are all doing well. Owen’ s talking more, and my days are filled with his, “Mama? Mama!”. Kyra’s reading now, and doing well in school. They are most happy when they are all playing together. I’m so blessed.

The day before I left on my trip to Springfield, I got a horrible phone call. I’ll not go into all of the details in this public forum, but one of my little brothers almost died. It was a horrid day. I got a phone call from my mom. She was crying. My brother, Jason, who is stationed in another state, was missing. No one knew where he was. When they found him, he was almost dead. They said two more minutes and he would have been gone. I took the kids to my mother-in-law’s, and then went to my mom’s house. Everyone was upset, obviously. Me and my sister-in-law went to pick my youngest brother up at school, and I had to tell him about Jason. It was kind of heartbreaking. For any of you who have dealt with suicide/attempted suicide, I’m sure you can imagine the wide range of emotions. This whole situation kind of consumed our whole family for a while. My brother is alive, though, and getting the help that he needs. For that, I am thankful. I wish you would all pray for him. He is a Marine, and he served in Iraq about a year or so ago. For any of you who know him and would like to send him a card, send me an email, and I will get the address to you. I know it would mean a lot to him to know you care.

Two days after I came home from Springfield, I got up on Easter morning, and took a pregnancy test. I was so excited. It was positive. It wasn’t long, though, before I realized that something wasn’t right. I went to the doctor on Monday, and he told me it looked like I was having a miscarriage. I went back on Thursday to have more blood work done. My levels had went up, but not enough for the doctor to be very optimistic. I went back today to have my levels checked again. I should find out the results tomorrow.

The not knowing has been really hard on me. I have been up and down…mourning and hoping…not really sure what is going on. I already love this baby so much, but I’m not even sure if the baby is still here. It’s really hard not knowing.

So, in the silence on the blog, I’ve been wrestling with a lot of things. Not sure what I wanted people to know, and what made me too vulnerable. I’m not the kind of person, though, who’s good at keeping quiet about things that affect me so greatly. I am kind of an open book, for the most part. Until the last day or two, I’ve only told a few close friends who were praying with me. I decided last night, though, that if I am truly going to be transparent on this blog, in a way that people could feel connected with me, I can’t stay silent about such a huge thing in my life. I have run the gamut of emotions since last Sunday. I have been desperately, heartbreakingly sad, angry at God for letting me go through this, hurt at God that He would possibly take my baby from me, repentant over those feelings, hopeful that my baby is still here, and back and forth, so forth and so on. It’s exhausting. I pretty much spent last week sleeping. On Saturday, I finally found a measure of peace. If I am to go through this, regardless of the outcome, I want to glorify God. If there is a lesson to be learned, I want to learn it. If there is someone to be helped in the future by my experience, well, even when I really don’t want to go through it for the sake of being able to minister in the future, I can see that I would probably consider it worth it down the road. I’m not really there yet, to be honest, but I am able to see that someday I will be.

Regardless of what happens, I know that God is with me. Even when I can’t feel his presence, I know that He is still with me, because He has promised to never leave me or forsake me. He will get me through this. I will be okay.

I guess this excerpt from an email I sent to my friends who have been praying with me says it best:

I just wanted to thank you all for your prayers for me and my little one. I’m doing okay. Yesterday evening/night was hard. I tried to journal…tried to pray…cried some. I felt very alone. Chris was at work, Amy’s not here, and all of you guys are so far away. I was in a sad, sad state. Today, though, I’m doing better. Amy and I prayed a long time this morning, and it has really helped. I’ve had a hard time feeling God through all of this, but He met with me today. I feel like I’m okay now, whatever the outcome. Chris prayed with me yesterday before we went to the u/s, and reminded me that God knew the end before we knew the beginning. He knows how much I want this baby, and, if He takes…or has already taken…my baby to Heaven, well, I know He’ll be with me. Chris read a psalm to me in the waiting room at the hospital yesterday…Psalm 77…told me about how the Psalm writer felt like God wasn’t with him and didn’t hear his cries, how he started to think maybe God was never there, how he then began to remember what God had done for him and brought him through, and then how he began to praise God. It really meant a lot to me. That’s where I’ve been. I’ve felt like God wasn’t with me and didn’t care what I was going through, but then I began to remember all the things he’s brought me through and all the things he’s done for me in the past year, and I have to trust that He has a plan. Obviously, I still want my baby and I’m clinging to the hope that the baby’s still alive, but I know that, even if God’s answer is no, He will hold me up. My attitude has changed dramatically. I want to honor God in this. Thank you ladies for praying for me. For encouraging me to keep the faith and turn to God. I’m going to do that. I want him to be glorified in my pain. If I have to go through this, I want God to somehow use it. I was reminded of a video that has really challenged me in the past. It helped me to watch it today. I want God to be glorified.

Here is the video that I mentioned in the email:

I write this scattered post and insert the section from my email just to show where I am. Where I’ve been. I don’t know how much I’ll want to write about this in the future, but I needed to at least explain what has happened and where I’m coming from. I get results from today’s blood work sometime tomorrow. I would appreciate your prayers. I still have hope.I don’t know what the end result of all of this is. Several people have prayed that God would grow me through this. I’m sure that some sort of growth is inevitable, if I resist the urge to hide under the covers and not deal with it. Hopefully, I’ll be able to share my journey with you, and maybe it will mean something to someone. Above all, I want God to be glorified.

Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

For I, the Lord your God,
hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Fear not,
I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13

10 Comments »

Comment by Amy

March 31, 2008 @ 6:52 pm

Still praying with you. Love ya.

Comment by Cassandra

April 1, 2008 @ 7:49 am

Oh, Rachel. I feel for you! I will be praying for you, for your brother, for your family….. I still check your blog often, and I have been wondering where you were! I had a miscarriage with my fourth pregnancy, also. I kind of ‘knew’ something wasn’t right from the beginning. I didn’t actually start bleeing until ten weeks, though. So I went a whole month being pregnant, but knowing that something wasn’t right. I think, since I knew from the beginning that something was drastically wrong with the baby- it made it easier when I actually started bleeding. Emotionally, it was hard, Physically, it was one of the hardest things I have ever been through in my life. If you are miscarrying, (And you might not be- God can stop it!) you will have some decisions to make. It’s not easy, and it’s not fun. After we found out that I was carrying a dead baby, I saw my husband cry. For only the third time in the six years we had been married. The moment you conceive, you have dreams, plans, and hopes for that child. Those dreams are dashed once you lose that baby, no matter how far along you are. I feel for you, my friend. It’s tough. What a tough valley you are going through right now…..Hugs…..

Pingback by Prayer Request: Rachel » GentleWhisper.com - By Amy Maxwell

April 1, 2008 @ 8:15 am

[…] been distracted by some personal stuff and by the things my good friend Rachel is dealing with. She’s hurting right now, please pray for her and her family. « Easter […]

Comment by Ravenbrk

April 1, 2008 @ 8:38 am

Rachel,

I’m praying for you today.

The LORD bless thee, and keep thee: The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee: The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.(Numbers 6:24-26)

Comment by Sarah

April 1, 2008 @ 11:19 am

Praying for you…I commend you and your transparency! You are in my thoughts and prayers today…! :::HUGS:::

Comment by Laura

April 1, 2008 @ 11:50 am

Still praying!

I’m glad you are sharing your story. I love you and miss you and wish I could be there with you!
Laura

Comment by Laura

April 1, 2008 @ 11:53 am

POWERFUL video, by the way!!

Comment by pattie

April 1, 2008 @ 11:12 pm

I am so sorry for your loss.

Comment by Heather

April 2, 2008 @ 9:16 am

Rachel,

Oh my friend, I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through. Know that we are praying for you. You are so strong, God will guide you through all of this.

Love,
Heather

Comment by Debbie

April 2, 2008 @ 12:56 pm

I wish I had some amazing words of comfort, but I don’t. 🙁 Just know that I do understand your hurts and emotions and when we experience loss I believe God cries with us. Praying for His loving arms to surround you during this time.

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