I promised you guys a post about forgiveness about a month ago. I had a whole series of posts planned, and was fleshing them out as I got to each topic. The true burden on my heart was to write about freedom, but there were at least three others after it. Once I wrote and published “Freedom”, though, the burden to write the others was lifted. I guess that was because, for me, forgiveness has been a journey, and there was more I needed to learn before I wrote about it. I find myself here, now, with a burden to write what God has taught me.

This past summer, I was actively seeking after God. I was so thirsty. I needed Him to fill me, because I was running on empty. It seemed like I could only get so far, though. I was running up against a wall. A wall between me and God. A wall of unforgiveness. I built this wall, block by block, over many years. With each thing that hurt me, I grew more bitter toward the one who hurt me…more defensive…and built a wall around my heart. I would pray for God to heal my heart, and He would ask me to take down the wall. This wall had stood between me and God for most of my Christian life. My unwillingness to get rid of it had kept me from growing as a Christian. I felt entitled to my hurt. Justified in my sin.

Day after day, I would pray for God to change me, to fill me, and to heal my heart. I knew, though, that I was holding on to this unforgiveness. I tried to push it to the back of my mind, and get around it some other way. It was there, though. I had to decide what was more important to me…guarding my heart or obeying God. It was so hard. I spent an inordinate amount of time remembering and replaying every little hurt I was holding on to…every way I had been done wrong…defending my right to keep the wall I had built. I felt like if I forgave then I would have to forget, and I knew I could not forget. It was not a matter of forgiving and forgetting, though, but forgiving because I was commanded to. Because I had been forgiven.

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15

I told God that night that I would forgive the person who had hurt me, not because I wanted to, but because He had forgiven me. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but, the very next night, I went to this person and told them I forgave them. I didn’t know what kind of reaction to expect, but the one I received was not what I expected. They didn’t know what I was talking about. I must admit, this hurt.

When I told Amy about what happened, she said something that I will never forget. I actually wrote it in my Bible, so as to never forget it.

“You know… Jesus experiences that pain daily. He offers His forgiveness and humanity looks at Him blankly and says, “What for?”…not knowing how much they have hurt him.”

That quote struck my heart and forever changed the way I think about the subject of forgiveness. It was yet another example of the fact that no matter what pain or hurt or injustice we feel, Jesus has experienced it before us, and He can perfectly comfort us.

It wasn’t received in the way I hoped or expected, but I did what He asked of me. A weight was lifted. I understood that the unforgiveness was no burden on the one I chose not to forgive, but a burden that I alone knew about and carried. Since then, I have had to remind myself many times that I have forgiven, and ask the Lord to again forgive me.

I thought that was the end of my lesson about forgiveness. I was going to write this post, and wrap it up neatly right about here. I just couldn’t seem to write it, though. I believe it was because I had only learned the first part of my lesson. He had more to teach me.

In recent days, as recent as the last several days, I’ve learned that, not only do I need to offer His forgiveness to those around me, but I need to forgive myself. When things get stressful, my first response is to run back to those old habits. I condemn myself. I tell myself that I should be over this by now. I told the whole world that I am free, so why have I returned to my chains…picking them up, wrapping them around me, checking to see if they still fit. It’s a cycle of guilt. I was reminded, though, that I am His, and there is no condemnation in Him.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

He offers forgiveness. He offers strength. I try to do it on my own, and then condemn myself when I fail. The truth of the matter, though, is that I cannot do this on my own. He doesn’t even expect me to. So, when I confess my weakness to him, He doesn’t say, “I already forgave you. You should be over this by now.” No. He says, “I forgive you. I don’t condemn you.” I have learned that I must forgive myself. I can’t continuously beat myself up, telling myself how worthless I am, because He does not condemn me. When God looks at me, He sees Jesus. I cannot live in self condemnation, but I must accept His forgiveness and walk in the knowledge that I can freely accept the pardon He offers and try again.

Forgiveness is not always a one time thing. Sometimes, we are required to forgive over and over. How many times can someone hurt me, though, and I still be required to forgive them.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?”

Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22

Doesn’t leave much room to wonder, does it? Whether it is another person or myself who slights me, I must forgive. It’s not optional. It is, however, incredibly freeing.

The last few days have left me hurt and sad. I don’t want my blog to be a battleground, but I want it, in everything, to glorify Jesus. So, if nothing more can be accomplished from the dialog between two sides of a viewpoint, let us learn a lesson about forgiveness. Let us forgive those who hurt us. Let us offer our forgiveness even if they look at us blankly and say, “What for?” feeling they are totally justified in what they said or did. Let us forgive ourselves for being but weak flesh. Let us fall on Jesus and ask Him to use this conversation and these words that may have hurt instead of edified to teach us something. Let us love one another. Let us offer forgiveness and grace all around, because how could we not after He has so graciously offered it to us? Let us seek to grow and honor Him in everything we say and do, even if it’s in an ambiguous Internet world, because, even here, we bear the name of Christ. Let us not disappoint Him in the way we treat our brothers and sisters. Let us love as He loved.

Oh, Lord, let it be so!