I have recently began to use eBible a lot. It is this awesome program where you can read the Bible online. It has search features, commentaries, etc. to help you study. I do about half of my Bible reading through this service. Over the past couple of months, I have searched numerous topics. I’ve looked up and read about hope, faith, shame, forgiveness, the Holy Spirit, friendship, etc., as well as just looking up verse references. I’m beginning to be suspicious, however, that someone has a message for me. You see, of all of those varying topics I’ve looked up, no matter what I search, eBible tells me to read Proverbs 31. Every single time. Without fail. If I were to look up Hell…it would tell me to read Proverbs 31. If I looked up Leviticus chapter two, it would tell me to read Proverbs 31. I know that chapter covers a lot of ground, but…really?

A couple of nights ago, I mentioned this phenomenon to Amy while we were talking on the phone. I was hoping she was going to say, “Oh, that happens to me, too. It’s just a bug in the software.” No such luck. She just laughed at me.

“Maybe God’s trying to tell me something.” I told myself. So, I began to read the chapter….

I started with verse ten, and read:

An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.

Okay. That’s good. I’m a pretty good wife, I think. Chris tells me I am. He trusts me, I know. I don’t harm him, nor do things which cause him harm. I’m cool with that. We’re doing good.
So, I read on:

She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.

Hmm. She seeks wool and flax. I have been known to scope out a good sale and bring home some nice wool pants for my husband. Does that count? She works with willing hands. I have done that before. And that bringing food from afar thing…Walmart is like ten minutes away. That’s ‘afar’, right?

She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.

Oh, man. We’ve hit a snag. She rises while it is yet night. This is where the deep sigh escaped me. Still night? That means before dawn. What would anyone need to get up that early for? Oh, yes…apparently to fix breakfast.
Moving along:

She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.

Can it get any better? She gardens, too? As I glance outside to the planter on my porch that is growing nothing but weeds, I’m thinking, “So I don’t have a green thumb? I know how to make a mighty fine powerpoint presentation.”
Surely it’s not going to get much worse for me:

She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.

Wha, what? She has time to work out, too?
Must go on:

She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.

Spindle…spindle? It’s bringing up some fuzzy images from Sleeping Beauty. I think it implies sewing. Um. Me? Sew? Not so much.
This is getting depressing.

She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.

Ah, finally one I can do! I can help the needy. I have been known to buy hamburgers for a homeless guy and drop money in the salvation army bucket. Maybe this is looking up for me!

She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.

Hehe. “All her household are clothed in scarlet.” Sounds like she left a red sock in the load of whites if you ask me.

Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.

Well, of course everyone knows her husband. He’s the guy in the nice, red robes, thanks to that errant sock.

She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.

Well, I think we’ve established that I won’t be making any garments any time soon, and I don’t know how strong and dignified I am. However, I do laugh a lot. Does that count? Oh, come on. Give me that much, because I’m not measuring up too well here.

She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

I hesitate to say my words are wise, but I have been known to share some kind words before. Oh, and the bread of idleness? Nope, not I. I’m watching my carbs these days.

Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

I don’t know that they’ve ever called me blessed, but they have told me I’m the “best mommy in the whole wide world” before. Surely that counts.

“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”

Oh, relief! She’s better than even the excellent women. Maybe she’s not the standard but the example to strive for. That’s handy.

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.

Fearing the Lord…I do fear the Lord. Of that I am sure. All kidding aside, I fear displeasing him. I fear not making the most of the blessings he has given me. I don’t, however, fear that my ability or inability to be the best of everything I’m supposed to be will make Him quit loving me. Sure I would love to be the kind of woman that someone would write a beautiful, poetic tribute about, as the author of Proverbs 31 did, but it’s good to know that, even if I am never able to even hold a candle to this woman in Proberbs 31, He’ll love me just the same.

So, eBible, I have read it already. I have pondered and laughed and wrote a silly, slightly amusing blog post. I have contemplated God’s mercy and acceptance and longsuffering. So, eBible, could you please, pretty please show me some different verses? Maybe John 3:16 or something?