It’s a curious place where I’ve ended up. I never would have imagined it a couple years ago. I thought I was too much a heathen to ever live in a place of faith again.
Yet, here I am.
Here, as it turns out, is a place of not just faith but of peace. I mentioned it in my last blog post, but I don’t know if the significance showed through my words. A few years ago, I was going nuts trying to figure out my faith. I needed it to make sense so bad that it was easier for me to me to give it up all together than to accept something I couldn’t explain. Let’s all take a minute and laugh at the foolishness of someone trying to explain faith. Yeah, yeah. I know. However, my poor brain needs things to make sense. I need the pieces to fit together. I need some sort of assurance that my faith has been examined and is honestly held to be true. I wanted to know in my heart that I actually believed what I said I believed. I didn’t need to prove it to anyone else; I just needed to truly believe it myself.
It’s a curious place where I’ve ended up in that my faith has been proven to me because the one thing that was out of my control . . . believing something that I can’t understand, explain, or be comfortable with . . . has been inexplicably given to me. I have peace.
That’s what has settled the reality of God and my faith in my heart. I wasn’t pouring over theology books anymore. I wan’t studying the Bible. I wasn’t praying. I stepped back from everything, and, when I stopped struggling, God gave me the peace I so badly needed.
I don’t expect it to work the same way for someone else. I truly believe that we each have our own faith journey to take. We all have individual personalities, proclivities, struggles, and needs, and I believe He will work in each of us according to the way he designed us. I’m not sure how my testimony could possibly help or encourage you or anyone else other than to add my voice to those that say He’s made a difference in my life.
I probably still don’t fit anyone’s mold of the ideal Christian. I don’t claim to be an ideal Christian. I am just happy to be able to honestly say I am a person of faith who believes God wants me, loves me, and has a plan for my life. I believe He had a plan all along to give me hope and a future. I believe in my heart of hearts that He is real, and I believe it because He gave me the thing I couldn’t manufacture no matter how much I sought after it.
I finally understand what Paul meant when he wrote about a peace that passes all understanding.
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7