In my favorite poem by Robert Frost, Nothing Gold Can Stay, he reminds us that like the seasons of nature, life is one season melting into another, and quickly fading away. This is my attempt to document each season in my life and my family.

Uncertainty

Filed under: Bloody Depression,Loss,Love,Me — Rachel at 7:31 pm on Thursday, June 27, 2013

I wish I could be sure about decisions that I have to make. Especially the ones that really hurt.

Uncertainty is my kryptonite. When I have to decide to take some action I try to be logical. I try to weigh all the information. I go back and forth in my mind…on and on…ad nauseum. I try to think of all the alternatives. All the ways it could blow up in my face. I want to make sure that I am doing the right thing.

Sometimes, I feel like there is no right thing. I feel like there is no choice that has a truly good outcome. I try to minimize collateral damage. If it’s going to hurt me, sometimes that feels worth it. But if it’s going to hurt someone else, it’s really hard for me to decide to do something. Sometimes I hurt myself more because I’m afraid to make a decision I know I need to make, out of fear of hurting someone. And sometimes I make the decision, and they turn out just fine. And sometimes I’m surprised to find out that I am the one I’ve hurt the most.

I generally feel confidant about a big decision if I have made it as far as deciding and acting on it. Unfortunately, I often have a confidence crash a few days later. I doubt myself. I feel like I tried so hard and still ended up doing something stupid. Does this happen to anyone else? Am I the only one?

I’m drowning in uncertainty right now. I feel like I made a bad decision. I feel like I messed something good up. I feel like a misunderstood set of circumstances skewed my judgement. I tried so hard, but I still hurt myself in the process.

I just wish I could know. Really know what the best thing for me would be. I just want to be certain. Or at least mostly certain.

But I’m not.

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